Penis Research

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1. this entry is not intended for readers under the age of 18.
2. this entry does not add any additional radiation exposure to your normal computer use.
3. this entry will not enhance your junk.
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I am sure every man on the planet who reads English has seen this information from around the world about penis sizes. It's hard to ignore, and – frankly – it sneaks in and draws attention to something we men take very seriously.
A Hard Hitting News Hound, however, does not read this and then wallow in self-pity and hopelessness, rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb.
No! Far from it!
A Hard Hitting News Hound sucks it up and tries to get to the bottom of the issue, to investigate the background to the news.
Through rigorous investigation, I discovered who conducted this vital research and got an interview with the "people on the spot".
It wasn't easy.
You can imagine that a survey of this dimension would require enormous resources. Traveling to Chad, for example, and doing all that measuring; it requires stamina and persistence, not to mention lots of rubber gloves! This is research of the most involved type.
I was able to meet with two organizers of this effort, Ms. Bea Lowe-Jobs (no relation to Steve Jobs of Apple Computer fame), the Director of Operations for the project, and her assistant, Ms. Anita Hump.
Here below is the transcript of this interview.
HHNH (Hard Hitting News Hound): Good evening Ms. Jobs and Ms. Hump. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Ms. Jobs: Thank YOU.
Ms. Hump: We always appreciate media appreciation of our work.
HHNH: So... the question on every man's mind right now is, are the numbers you have generated for your map based on sizes of... er... penises in repose, or penises that are – say – expressing interest?
Ms. Jobs: You don't need to beat around the bush with us, Mr. Hound. We call a spade a spade. The measurements are based on fully erect penises.
HHNH: I see... so then... the next question we all have is... um... how did you actually go out into the field and collect this information? The country with the "largest representatives", Sudan, for example, must have been a real challenge!
Ms. Jobs: I am delighted you asked that question, Mr. Hound, because information collection in research projects is always the most difficult aspect. Everyone sees the results, but nobody thinks about the process involved in acquiring the data.
Anita was one of our researchers in the field.
You were involved in acquiring information from Sudan, weren't you?
Ms. Hump: Yes. I was in Sudan.
HHNH: So how did the research take place in such an area? As we all know Sudan is not politically stable... the Darfur problem, civil war and so on. How did you get into the country and conduct this important survey?
Ms. Hump: Getting into the country was no problem, but it was troublesome, obtaining the support of tribal leaders. As you know, Sudan is divided north and south, and while there are religious differences, most of the difficulties can be resolved by making a tribal approach.
HHNH: So you investigated the members of all the tribes?
Ms. Hump: Well, we had to have a representative sample, so this required the usual diversity scales, identifying typical populations and taking appropriate samples.
HHNH: So the population of Sudan is reported to be around 25 million people. What was a representative sample?
Ms. Hump: Getting a representative sampling is of course the hardest part of any research of this type. We considered a "cluster sampling" of the populations involved, but decided that a "systematic sampling" would be more accurate. Does this answer your question?
HHNH: Um... so how many men did you "sample" for your research?
Ms. Hump: Maybe Bea can explain the process better than I can...
Ms. Jobs: Yes. Because of the complications of ethnic diversity in Sudan, we decided we needed to go with a higher level of accuracy than might be required in a more homogeneous country like Japan. So we went for 95% accuracy rather than the 90% which was the standard we used for many other countries. This meant that we needed to survey 600 men.
HHNH: So the question, burning in every man's mind right now is how did you survey the 600 men?
Ms. Jobs: Well, obviously an erect penis was what we wanted to measure, since it is a well known fact that nothing can be determined about penis size from a flaccid penis.
Speaking from personal experience, I know that some penises that look small at first can grow to truly epic proportions under the proper ... er... guidance.
There was this one guy in Santa Monica... OMG!... his penis was like a freaking midget! I mean... it was so small it was lost in his pubic hair; you could barely see it poking out! I am NOT kidding! But then, when I...
Ms. Hump: Ms. Jobs? I think he wants to hear about the research?
Ms. Jobs: Oh... sorry...yes.
So we needed to walk around the selected communities and talk to village elders about our project, explaining to them that we needed to have men who would be willing for us to make them erect and then measure them for our project. One of the interesting aspects of the process was that almost all of our volunteers were the village elders themselves.
It saved us an enormous amount of time.
HHNH: And what did you do exactly to ... um ... make sure you were getting the full measure of their dimensions?
Ms. Jobs: HA HA HA!! I know what you are thinking and no... we did not give them all blow jobs, only some of the slower respondents.
HHNH: And how many was that?
Ms. Jobs: No more than... hmmm... how many WAS it in Sudan, Anita?
Ms. Hump: Nowhere NEAR as bad as China... no more than 50? Maybe 60, tops?
HHNH: I see... and what prompted you to do this research in the first place – to organize this level of international cooperation and raise the funds and so on...
Ms. Jobs: Well... the funding came from...
Ms. Hump: Bea! That's secret!! Hush UP!
Ms. Jobs: Oh... right.
I am sorry, but we are not allowed to reveal that aspect of the program. But as for the impetus to do the research, of course men all over the world want to know how they "measure up", so there is a compelling 3-billion-person pressure out there to obtain this data.
HHNH: So... er... for example... in the case of the people in the US, did you do expats?
Ms. Jobs: Expats? We didn't get into any kinky things, Mr. Hound. This was a straight up sort of research project.
Ms. Hump: Er... Bea? Expats means people who live away from their country of origin.
Ms. Jobs: Ohhhhhh! Um...no. I don't think we did any special survey of people living outside their home countries.
HHNH: So you don't know if they might have skewed the results....
Ms. Jobs: No. I don't actually know of any expats or whatever, so ... no... we didn't survey them or include them in our research. How many of these "expats" might there be?
HHNH: Millions.
Ms. Jobs: No way! All from America?
HHNH: Yes.
Ms. Jobs: We may need to check them out. What do you think Anita?
Ms. Hump: Obviously the research results might be tainted by excluding this population.
Ms. Jobs: So where do we meet these "expats"?
HHNH: Well...actually I am an expat.
Ms. Jobs: No way! This is like the village elders. Maybe you can save us a lot of time?

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