Radiation Made Simple

The news is full of reports these days on the dangers of the nuclear power plant in Fukushima. Confusing are the results of radiation monitoring. How can we make sense of the reports and take appropriate precautions when the measurements appear in different units?
This is where I come in. I have been doing a lot of research into the nuclear issue over the past couple of weeks and this combined with my innate intelligence and quick grasp of scientific reporting enables me to provide this convenient and easy-to-use Guide to Radiation for the layperson (defined as someone who lays or is laid, especially if Roman Catholic).
First a little history.
The original measurement of radioactivity was the "curie", named after the famous French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie. The most common unit we see in the press today, however, is the Sievert. You will hear the word "Milli-Sievert" bandied about on the news every evening. This is named after Millie Sievert who worked as a maid in the house of the Curies, credited with inventing radioactivity (thank you very much, Curies). Her job also involved cleaning up the lab after their experiments. How much radiation she was exposed to during her cleaning efforts became the standard we still use today! Isn't that an interesting anecdote?
Some example doses:
1 Millie Sievert (hereafter abbreviated to MS) is the harmless equivalent of about 10 chest X-rays or about 15 flights from Tokyo to the West Coast of the United States.
100 MSs, about how much you would get from eating six tons of Fukushima spinach in 24 hours, is the equivalent of 5 space shuttle flights with 2 space walks. Another more down-to-earth way to assess this measure would be to say that it is equivalent in danger to eating a whole 1 kg bag of marshmallows.
Let's move on to some of the other measures that appear in the press. The water off the coast of the nuclear power station in Fukushima has been contaminated with radioactivity. This is measured in becquerels.
First another very interesting anecdotal reference to history.
The becquerel is named after Lewis Becquerel who was the butler in the Curie's house. Interestingly enough he and Millie Sievert carried on a torrid affair under the very noses of the Curies for 15 years before being discovered in – shall we say – an indelicate position in a closet only because both of them glowed in the dark. Becquerel's job included bringing and removing water that the Curies used for bathing and other activities, hence its continued association with water even today!
Some example dose comparisons:
1 becquerel is equal to about 600 chest X-rays done all at once. Of course nobody gets that many X-rays all at once, so this comparison doesn't really help you, the layperson, understand what the implications of exposure are. A more easy-to-understand comparison would be to say that exposure to 1 becquerel would have the same effect as – say – dropping an anvil from a 10 story building onto your head.
Let's consider some of the other measurements we hear on the nightly news.
The nanogray is one measurement used at monitoring stations around the country. They are probably not using this measurement instead of the more common Millie Sievert to confuse the public.
First a little history about the nanogray. As everyone knows, the grays are the aliens with the big eyes that are seen coming from UFOs and abducting humans to conduct salacious invasions of their body orifices. Nano, of course, means very, very small, so putting these two together, we can understand that the monitors are measuring very, very small aliens. While this is an extremely important effort whose results should not be dismissed out of hand, it has almost nothing to do with radioactivity unless the nanograys are bringing it with them by passing through irradiated areas.
Finally, we need to discuss the REM. The REM has largely fallen out of favor in recent years, mostly because of its dated 1970's appearance. Like bell bottomed pants and platform shoes, fashions fade and nobody wants to be reminded of what they wore in those days, because they can't believe it themselves. Such it is with the REM. Nobody wants to be reminded that we used old-fashioned 1970s words like that.
Convenient comparisons:
Exposure to 1 REM of radioactivity has no effect on human females, but will instantly turn a man into Michael Jackson (if you get my drift).
I hope that this review of the language surrounding the nuclear news is helpful. I realize that my broad-stroke descriptions of these terms may not be immediately grasped by some of you (such is the nature of techno-explanations to laypeople), so do not hesitate to ask questions if you need clarification.

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For those of you who like to look at the data directly, check out this page:
http://xkcd.com/radiation/