China Wants More Pie

I am sure that most of you have been following the back-and-forth over the Senkaku or Diaoyu Islands that are claimed by Japan, Taiwan and China. In addition, the Chinese have been having disputes with Southeast Asian nations over the South China Sea. Vietnam and the Philippines claim islands and territorial limits at sea in those areas which are close to their lands, but China says the whole of the sea is an inherent territory of China.
Of course this position by a Great Power wannabe is intriguing, so yours truly – Hard Hitting News Hound – obtained an interview with a representative of the Chinese government.
Due to the interview ground rules, I am not able to reveal his name, except to say that he is a "high ranking cadre" in the State Council of the People's Republic of China.
I will call him Zhang.
HHNH (me): Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Zhang.
Zhang: It is my pleasure.
HHNH: I am interested in China's claims to islands south of Japan. What is your country's position about those islands.
Z: They are an inalienable part of Chinese territory.
HHNH: Taiwan also claims them; how do you feel about that?
Z: Taiwan is also an integral part of China, so its claim is merely an extension of our own. In any case, the whole Ryukyu Island archipelago was a part of the great Ming Dynasty, so Japan's claim even to Okinawa is dubious.
HHNH: What about the South China Sea? How can China claim areas that are clearly much closer to neighboring Southeast Asian nations such as Vietnam, Malaysia, or the Philippines.
Z: These areas have been part of China for hundreds of years. Our legitimate claim is based on historical fact.
HHNH: But the James Shoal, for example, is only 80 km from Malaysia but 1800 km from the nearest Chinese mainland.
Z: What are you talking about? That IS Chinese territory. Our claims are based on historical reality! They don't call it the South Malaysia Sea, do they? (He pulls a cigarette out of a package on his desk and furiously taps it on the arm of his chair.)
HHNH: But what about those islands that are so close to Vietnam? Surely they would be part of Vietnam, wouldn't they?
Z: Nonsense! Complete nonsense. Those islands belong to the People's Republic of China. In fact, Vietnam itself was once part of China during the Ming Dynasty, so we claim it too.
HHNH: I suppose the same applies to Tibet?
Z: Of course! Tibet was never an independent country. It has ALWAYS been an integral part of China from time immemorial! (He lights his cigarette and waves it around.)
HHNH: What other claims does China make to adjacent territories?
Z: You Westerners don't know much about history, do you? China traditionally ruled over what is now Korea as well.
HHNH: Korea?! But that is an independent country.
Z: Well, due to American imperialism, half of Korea has remained separated from us, but we Chinese can never forget that during the Yuen Dynasty it was a contiguous part of China.
HHNH: But wait a minute, wasn't the Yuen Dynasty a Mongolian dynasty?
Z: They became Chinese. And so we also claim Mongolia and parts of Russia that traditionally were included in the Yuen Empire.
HHNH: But the Mongolians controlled most of Central Asia at one time....
Z: Exactly, and once we resolve these pesky issues with Japan and the Southeast Asian countries, we will turn our attention to Central Asia. After all, all of those lands west of Xinjiang Province were once part of the great Chinese Tang Dynasty! (He emphasizes "Chinese" with a puff of smoke.)
HHNH: Your country doesn't have any claims in North America, does it?
Z: We are exploring evidence that Chinese settlers may have come to the Western Hemisphere before the Europeans. One of your Western authors has written a book about this. Of course, we would not expel all the Europeans who are there now, but I believe we must work out a resource-sharing agreement with them and divide the lands equitably.
HHNH: Is there ANY part of the World that China cannot lay claim to?
Z: We have no historical connection to Chad. (He stubs out his cigarette emphatically.) By the way, I notice that you were born in China, Mr. Pterosaurish.
HHNH: Er... yes? Does China want to claim me too?
Z: (His uproarious laugh ends in a rasping cough.) No... no, Mr. Pterosaurish. Trust me... we don't want you... no way... (cough cough cough).
HHNH: Thank you for your time, Mr. Zhang.
Z: It was my pleasure.