Sometimes, we have to be serious.
Life is uncompromising in its demands, and we cannot just sit by, swill wine and ignore them.
As I have posted in previous articles here, here, and here (please read them for important background information), the Japanese are in grave danger of becoming extinct.
Yes, you read correctly, extinct.
We're talking dodo extinct.
Finally some people seem to be listening, and the issue is popping up in the news more frequently. The airwaves and newspaper columns are rampant with serious discussions about the causes of – and solutions to – this desperate problem.
There are grave worries:
Men and women basically live separate lives, young women don't want to marry Japanese men, and even those who ARE married can't handle becoming moms. What becomes of your youthful image after all?
If nothing is done, what happens? This is not the US House of Representatives we are talking about here, there are serious ramifications to Japan sitting on its butt and doing nothing; the people of Japan could disappear!
Even Japanese academics, long noted for myopic research into whatever seems most clearly unrelated to reality, are starting to weigh in with opinions on this matter. One such academic at Sofia University in Tokyo is recommending that the national government establish birth quotas to enable Japan to pull itself out of this death spiral and restore the nation to its future of high-flying grandeur.
Curious about how this view was being regarded by the national government, I pulled some strings and got an interview with Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan of the National Policy Unit. His secretary, a very attractive, young woman, showed me into his office.
Secretary: Mr. Chikan? This is Mr. Pterosaurish to interview you about Japan's population problem. Mr. Pterosaurish? This is Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan. (she bowed politely and backed out of the room, closing the heavy door as she backed away.)
Mr. Chikan: (in Japanese) They didn't say anything about a foreigner. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Some.
Mr. C: Oh! Your Japanese is excellent. I am surprised! Very good, indeed! You must have a Japanese wife!
Me: Um... no...
Mr. C: Excellent! Excellent! Your pronunciation is very good! Wonderful!
What are you interested in asking me?
Me: The reason I am here is to ask you what you think about the recommendations of some academics to establish national birth rate quotas to prevent the decline of the Japanese population.
Mr. C: Yes, I am familiar with them and we, here at the National Policy Unit, are studying the problem. You see, we have a difficult issue with young Japanese men (he fidgeted uncomfortably). I am sure you are familiar with the – so called – "herbivore men" problem? (he looked at me as if he hoped I might not be familiar with it)
Me: Yes, I have read about that in the papers.
Mr. C: Oh! You have? Very good! Very good! (he spoke as if to a child who used the toilet for the first time)
Yes, these men – can you BELIEVE it? – refuse to have any dealings with women. Do you realize that as much as 70% of the male population in these prime, child-producing age groups are herbivores? They have no interest in having girlfriends at all!
Me: What do you plan to do about this problem? Bring in foreign carnivores?
Mr. C: (explosively) Are you out of your mind?! Foreigners?!! (spittle began to collect in the corners of his mouth) Did you know that 10% of marriages in the Tokyo area are already international connections; we don't need any more of that!
No offense, but I just can't see what benefit OUR gene pool would get
out of encouraging foreigners to come in and reproduce with our women! (he looked at me as if I might have been thinking about reproducing with their women)
Me: Well, it might increase the number of children.
Mr. C: Nonsense! We Japanese must save ourselves on our own; we cannot allow any more mixing than has already taken place. What would Japan BE, if everyone looked like a mix?
Me: Still here at the end of the century?
Mr. C: Ha! Very funny Mr. Pterosaurish. No! That is not what we in Prime Minister Abe's new government are thinking about as a counter strategy.
Me: What do you have in mind then?
Mr. C: Well, as I just mentioned, almost all of your herbivore types are in their 20s and 30s. They're young. So this means that there is a vast pool of young women whose ... how shall I put this?.... whose "needs" are going unmet! Heh heh heh.... (a blotchy blush spread across his cheeks)
Me: I see...
Mr. C: On the other hand (he continued breezily), there are a lot of civil servants in their 40s and 50s who are most assuredly NOT herbivores, like ME for example! (he puffed out his chest and smoothed his "bar code" comb-over hair with his finger tips) Plus, men in this group tend to be fairly well off and able to take on additional responsibilities for their country.
Me: Um... so what are you planning exactly?
Mr. C: Numerical targets tend to take on a life of their own, so we need to be prepared and establish reliable guidelines and policies now. We think that we can offer either tax advantages, cash-grant incentives or a combination of both to men in public service to take on mistresses. Many politicians have also been eager to be included in this program, displaying their dedication to the nation and their concern for its survival.
Me: What makes you think this will work out?
Mr. C: Well, we already know that unmarried couples in Japan have more children than married couples, so we will simply be building on an existing trend! All we need are the proper inducements.
Me: And the consequences of failure?
Mr. C: Failure?! Have you not heard of Viagra? We can include free prescriptions as a part of the incentive package.
Me: No... I meant the failure of the policy.
Mr. C: Oh! Yes... well... if we fail in this policy, we will no longer be able to support our senior citizens and will face a rapidly declining population. Even Finance Minister Aso's proposal that old people just "hurry up and die", while helpful over the short term, won't make for a growing population full of vitality. We cannot allow our policy to fail.
Me: Well... I certainly wish you well and hope for all the best. I wouldn't want my pension fund to run out due to a lack of young people, paying into it!
Mr. C: We and all the male members of the civil service and many politicians as well will do our best (he bowed his head dramatically, showing his sincerity and dedication to the cause).
Me: Thank you for your time.
Mr. C: Thank you for coming. And I would like to remind you once again that we are not looking for foreign participation in this program.
Me: I understand.
- - - - - - - - - -
And now the moment you have all been waiting for, the answer to last week's Bonus Questions!!
1. Aerial
a. chips (crisps, if you're British)
b. car
c. deodorant spray
d. laundry detergent
2. Aha
a. chocolate cookie
b. face soap
c. car
d. tampon
3. ACUO (all caps)
a. car
b. body thermometer
c. gum
d. vitality drink
4. Noah
a. laundry detergent
b. furniture polish
c. kitty litter
d. car
5. Speedy
a. car
b. deodorant
c. gum
d. instant soup
No comments:
Post a Comment