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Pope to Become Ayatollah

(Feb. 18) Rueters — In a stunning development, recently retired Pope Benedict XVI has indicated that he will move to Iran after being offered a job as an Ayatollah in the Muslim clergy there. A spokesman for the former Pope described the move as one he had been considering for several years.
Faced with growing demands for the inclusion of more women, and other liberalizing trends in the Roman Church, the Pope was described as feeling "a more common mission with the Mullahs in Iran", according to a spokesman for the former Catholic leader. When asked about the Pontiff's physical and mental health, the spokesman claimed that the planned move to Iran has given him "a new lease on life".
Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from his post as the leader of the Roman Catholic church only a week ago, predicting that his departure would have no ill effect on the Church. He was the first Pope to retire in 600 years.
In recent years, the Vatican has been plagued with problems of priestly pedophilia and increasing pressures from within the female community to bring more women into decision-making roles. His firm stance against birth control has alienated many in the United States where a large majority of Catholic women have used artificial birth control in direct defiance of their religion's teachings. These problems — along with internal political disorder revealed by his butler — has made the Pope look weak and indecisive, unable to cope with a world changing around him.
The same spokesman stated that the retired Pope was looking forward to taking up his new responsibilities in Iran, insisting that the former Pontiff was "eager to implement religious doctrine as it should be implemented, not worrying about what everyone around him was thinking". Being able to issue "fatwas" without needing doctrinal support was also said to be one of the attractions for the former Vicar of Christ's move. His spokesman quoted him as saying that the first fatwa he would issue would be "against the use of birth control in the Muslim faith".
When asked about Benedict XVI's adjustment to the Muslim faith itself, the spokesman claimed that he "effortlessly made the transition from Hitler Youth to the Papacy, so the move to Iran will pose no special problems". He also stated that the Pope had not been looking forward to retiring to the convent as originally planned, saying the Pontiff felt that it might be seen as "less than manly" to live in a convent. The reduced amount of mixing with the public and relaxed travel schedule of an Ayatollah was also said to have been one of the appeals of the transition.
Spokesmen for Ayatollah Khamenei, the current religious leader of Iran, said that they welcomed the Pope into their midst and looked forward to working with him in the years ahead. They were delighted that someone of his stature would convert to the Muslim faith. When asked if there would be any difficulties for the new member of their elite community, a spokesman said that since the Pope was a child of Hitler's Germany and probably not circumcised as a result, that procedure would be the first test of his new devotion.
In response to queries from the media about whether masses of Catholic faithful might follow their former leader into Islam, no spokesperson from the Vatican was available for comment.