Just when you thought you were safe going to the toilet, this information appears on the Internet. Hackers can control your toilet!
As I have mentioned in these posts before (here and here), the Japanese are more advanced when it comes to toilets than any other nation on this third rock from the Sun. I am not kidding. Now it seems that the toilets are somehow hooked into the Internet and can be controlled from your smart phone.
This makes a lot of sense when you have rushed out of your house, having completed your morning... er... ablutions... but suddenly you remember, "OMG! I forgot to flush! My wife will be traumatized and we will have another big therapy bill next month!" Something needs to be done. You find the right app on your iPhone, dial up (why do we still say "dial") and tell your toilet to go ahead and flush.
It flushes obediently.
As harmless as this seems, we really do have to consider the implications. As many of you alert readers will recall, Japan's Prime Minister Abe Shinzo was also Prime Minister several years ago, but had some problems with fulfilling his duties. No, it wasn't the usual foot-in-mouth thing that Japanese politicians do, saying things like "there was no rape of Nanjing" or "Japan never invaded anyone" or "the nuclear bombs were dropped for no reason at all", etc. etc.
In this case, poor Prime Minister Abe had to quit because he suffered from a "crippling case of diarrhea". I know that many of you out there think I have my head in the potty and have a limited sense of humor that barely hangs on with "poopy" jokes and scatology, but I want you to know that in this case, I am not making anything up.
First, a little background on Japanese toilets. People in the US and Europe have no idea about how sophisticated Japanese toilets are. Even the average toilet will rinse you off and dry you. You can adjust the water pressure so that the spray... um... cleans deeper than a superficial rinse.
Which brings me to my point.
Abe really did quit because of a terrible diarrhea. It's unprecedented in the modern world.
How did this happen? Perhaps his toilet was hacked by a foreign power!
Scenario
Prime Minister's Assistant (outside the toilet with his ear to the door): Mr. Abe, is everything OK in there? I heard a terrible high-pressure water sound!
PM Abe: Gar! Argh.... OMG! OMG! Omg omg omg omg omg.... holy crap.... what the f*#k?!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister! Are you OK in there? Open the door!!
PM Abe: I cannot open the door right now... the toilet is... ARGH!!! OMG!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister!! Let me in! I can help you. Um... you DO remember that you have to give that important speech in 10 minutes before the Diet, right? We need to get you ready... the makeup for the TV cameras and all...
PM Abe (breathing heavily): Oh... oh... this is the worst.... omg... omg... it was like a fire hose... my whole abdomen swelled up to the size of this room... oh... my clothes... omg omg...
Assistant: I will bring you a new suit... don't go away! I will be right back.... (runs off)
PM Abe: suit... how about my socks and shoes and hair and... omg.... I have been cleansed... argh... no wait... there is still more... (loud splashing sound)....
Assistant: Open up! I brought the clean suit!
PM Abe: Please announce my resignation... I can't go on like this....my legs... omg... I have never seen anything like this before....
And in this way, a certain foreign power which discovered how to hack his toilet managed to postpone his conservative and "unfriendly" agenda for another five years.
You can be sure his toilets have security protection now!
He is Prime Minister again... what toilets might they hack next?
No comments:
Post a Comment