A lot of people in the US these days are talking about the threat of genetically engineered foods. Wheat, for example, is now said to be especially dangerous. A heart doctor, William Davis, has written a popular book entitled "Wheat Belly", making the claim that the wheat we eat today is nothing like the wheat our ancestors enjoyed and is responsible for the blossoming of belly blubber in the United States today. Specifically, the wheat developed over the past 50 years has more gluten in it. To help us understand the danger that this poses, we met with Professor Colin Graankleefstof, PhD of the International Baking Society (IBS) and asked him about what gluten actually is.
Pterosaurish: Thank you for meeting with us today, Professor.
CG: You are very welcome indeed.
Pterosaurish: So please tell us in laymen's terms, what actually IS gluten in wheat?
CG: It's a protein. It's necessary for making bread products rise. We have strong wheat and weak wheat flours; the former are what we use in making donuts, bread, and pizza... did I tell you I know how to make a really great pizza dough, using two different kinds of high gluten flour?
Pterosaurish: Um.... no... but what about the weak flours?
CG: OH! Yes! The weak flours... you would never make pizza with them. Do you know why?
Pterosaurish: Er... not really?
CG: Their gluten levels are too low, so the pizza wouldn't rise properly. No... we use these weak flours in making cakes and the like.
Pterosaurish: So what are the differences we are talking about here?
CG: Well, the pizza dough requires a high gluten flour, so I use a flour with 12.5% gluten. To make a cake I would use a flour with about 8% gluten.
Pterosaurish: I see. Well, thank you very much for this enlightening information about this dietary danger.
CG: It has been entirely my pleasure.
No question about it. If you look at many popular foods, wheat is a major ingredient. It's the number one ingredient in Cinnamon Toast Crunch (breakfast cereal) for example. Cosmic Brownies also contain wheat. Twinkies (soon to make a comeback in the American diet) contain this dangerous substance. And even popular Krispy Kreme donuts have — yes, you guessed it — wheat, as the main ingredient! And that is not all! Even Entenmann's Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish are laced with this high-risk material! And every, single one of the 14 billion pizzas pumped out by the Pizza Hut chain (founded in 1958) last year was adulterated with wheat flour.
Who knew?!
Is it no wonder that Americans are getting fat? The good doctor is right! And not only fat, this viciously introduced "hybrid" wheat is responsible for "heart disease, diabetes, fatigue, acne, arthritis, IBS and even dementia"!
Dementia!
Some clearly deluded naysayers (maybe suffering from early on-set dementia?) make the spurious claim that baguettes (French bread) have been around for centuries and require a high gluten flour to make them, and nobody had "wheat belly" in Queen Antoinette's day (Her admonition, "Let them eat cake!" clearly showed her concern for the health of the masses, since cake contains less gluten than bread). But these naysayers don't have the anecdotal evidence that Dr. Davis has from patients to support their view.
What is next? What frightening steps will the food giants take to engineer their products to make them easier to grow and more profitable? Adding genes from migratory insects so that the wheat will migrate throughout the year, self-adjusting its sunlight and temperature for increased yields? Or engineer it with polar bear genes so it can be planted and grown throughout the winter in icy lands. Can adding squid genes to the wheat be far behind, setting the stage for underwater farming? It is a vast underutilized part of our planet after all!
It is critical that each and every one of us be aware of this grave danger and take immediate steps to correct our eating habits to avoid terrible health problems. I —for one— intend to
cut right back on the number of doughnuts I eat in the morning for breakfast. My health is too important to be left to the devices of unscrupulous companies like Krispy Kreme!
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Monday, July 8, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
The Scientific Solution
It's not all fun and games here.
Often we have undertaken to solve some of the pressing problems of the day by force of sheer intellectual power. Remember the Senkaku Island dispute? Yep, we came up with an ingenious solution that – somehow – the parties involved are ignoring; there is no accounting for obstinate ignorance. Or how about solving some of our desperate energy predicaments? Yes indeedy! We have been right on top of that too with win-win solutions that save the day.
So to continue that serious intent and not just waste your time with more silliness, today we would like to discuss the problem of global warming that I am sure you have heard about.
First, scientists always tell you... well, actually a lot of other people also tell you – like my teachers in high school who hated me (but that's a different story) – that you need to "define your terms".
They say, "Before we can have a meaningful discussion about this topic, you need to "define your terms" so that we know we are talking about the same thing, on the same page, so to speak. Or they would write (like on one of my term papers that I spent all morning writing!), "You did not define your terms adequately, so your conclusions are nonsense! Attila the Hun being 'hungry' did not lead to the establishment of the country, Hungary."
So what are the terms we need to define in this case? Clearly "global" is one of them. Let's go ahead and define that right here.
global (adj.): referring to globe or globes (like duh?)
Clearly this definition is not adequate to "define our terms" in a way that would have been acceptable to – say – Prof. T in college who I hope has "gone on to his reward in heaven".
(Gone on to (someone's) reward in heaven (v): died)
So let's define "globe" next.
globe (n): a spherical or rounded object.
OK now we are getting somewhere.
Next we need to define "warming".
warming (n): experiencing increasing temperature
So bringing our defining of terms together, we can understand that "global warming" means that spherical or rounded objects are increasing in temperature!
That was easy, wasn't it. It makes you feel good when you do things in a scientific way, knowing that you are on your way to making iron-clad arguments.
(I don't know why the arguments are iron-clad, but if we define our terms, I am sure we can analyze it in a very scientific manner.)
The next step is to look at the terms as defined and try to figure out exactly why this poses a problem. Some spherical or rounded objects – basketballs, for example – can overinflate if they experience too much warming, so we should take steps to keep them in a cool place, maybe out of the sun.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as cupcakes, will melt the icing you put on them if they are warm, so you should take them out of the oven and let them cool BEFORE you try to frost them.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as marbles, do not seem to be affected by warming at all, so we cannot identify any specific problem that needs to be solved in a scientific way with them.
- - - - - excuse me, someone is telling me something....
Apparently, the spherical or rounded object in "global warming" that everyone is referring to is the Earth! Who could have guessed that? Someone out there is clearly not "defining terms" adequately and would also get an F from Prof. T.
So the whole Earth is warming. OK. This is not an insurmountable problem. We simply need to find an analogy in more local terms (think locally, act globally) to help us understand how we can deal with the larger problem.
We mentioned basketballs earlier. Hopefully you still remember that. What was the solution to the basketballs being overly warm and getting overinflated?
Yes, you are right. We need to keep them in a cool place out of the sun.
What can we do about the Earth getting overheated? Same thing! We need to keep it out of the sun.
What do you do when YOU want to keep out of the sun?
You go indoors.
OK, this is not an acceptable solution. What else do you do?
You carry an umbrella.
Now we are getting somewhere!
We need to make a big umbrella that can be launched into space to shield our planet from the sun's rays. This umbrella cannot shadow the Earth all the time, as we need some sun for growing crops, keeping our weather moving, and getting suntans to look good on the beach. But it could be put into an orbit that would shadow the earth – say – an hour or so a day during daylight hours, reducing the sun's heat hitting the earth by 10%. This would immediately have a cooling effect on our planet, and we could go on using fossil fuels and increasing global warming gases in the atmosphere with impunity. If it got warmer again, we could simply shoot up another bumbershoot.
I hope you have learned something about the scientific approach to problem solving today. There are too many people out there who simply refuse to recognize that science can provide answers to problems and instead rely on outdated techniques such as prayer or rain dances.
- - - - - - - - - -
I thought I was the first to come up with the umbrella solution, but apparently not. There are other deep thinkers out there who have also hit upon this same solution! Another idea they have is to paint large areas of the planet white (think Australia) to reflect the sun's rays and keep the planet cool.
Often we have undertaken to solve some of the pressing problems of the day by force of sheer intellectual power. Remember the Senkaku Island dispute? Yep, we came up with an ingenious solution that – somehow – the parties involved are ignoring; there is no accounting for obstinate ignorance. Or how about solving some of our desperate energy predicaments? Yes indeedy! We have been right on top of that too with win-win solutions that save the day.
So to continue that serious intent and not just waste your time with more silliness, today we would like to discuss the problem of global warming that I am sure you have heard about.
First, scientists always tell you... well, actually a lot of other people also tell you – like my teachers in high school who hated me (but that's a different story) – that you need to "define your terms".
They say, "Before we can have a meaningful discussion about this topic, you need to "define your terms" so that we know we are talking about the same thing, on the same page, so to speak. Or they would write (like on one of my term papers that I spent all morning writing!), "You did not define your terms adequately, so your conclusions are nonsense! Attila the Hun being 'hungry' did not lead to the establishment of the country, Hungary."
So what are the terms we need to define in this case? Clearly "global" is one of them. Let's go ahead and define that right here.
global (adj.): referring to globe or globes (like duh?)
Clearly this definition is not adequate to "define our terms" in a way that would have been acceptable to – say – Prof. T in college who I hope has "gone on to his reward in heaven".
(Gone on to (someone's) reward in heaven (v): died)
So let's define "globe" next.
globe (n): a spherical or rounded object.
OK now we are getting somewhere.
Next we need to define "warming".
warming (n): experiencing increasing temperature
So bringing our defining of terms together, we can understand that "global warming" means that spherical or rounded objects are increasing in temperature!
That was easy, wasn't it. It makes you feel good when you do things in a scientific way, knowing that you are on your way to making iron-clad arguments.
(I don't know why the arguments are iron-clad, but if we define our terms, I am sure we can analyze it in a very scientific manner.)
The next step is to look at the terms as defined and try to figure out exactly why this poses a problem. Some spherical or rounded objects – basketballs, for example – can overinflate if they experience too much warming, so we should take steps to keep them in a cool place, maybe out of the sun.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as cupcakes, will melt the icing you put on them if they are warm, so you should take them out of the oven and let them cool BEFORE you try to frost them.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as marbles, do not seem to be affected by warming at all, so we cannot identify any specific problem that needs to be solved in a scientific way with them.
- - - - - excuse me, someone is telling me something....
Apparently, the spherical or rounded object in "global warming" that everyone is referring to is the Earth! Who could have guessed that? Someone out there is clearly not "defining terms" adequately and would also get an F from Prof. T.
So the whole Earth is warming. OK. This is not an insurmountable problem. We simply need to find an analogy in more local terms (think locally, act globally) to help us understand how we can deal with the larger problem.
We mentioned basketballs earlier. Hopefully you still remember that. What was the solution to the basketballs being overly warm and getting overinflated?
Yes, you are right. We need to keep them in a cool place out of the sun.
What can we do about the Earth getting overheated? Same thing! We need to keep it out of the sun.
What do you do when YOU want to keep out of the sun?
You go indoors.
OK, this is not an acceptable solution. What else do you do?
You carry an umbrella.
Now we are getting somewhere!
We need to make a big umbrella that can be launched into space to shield our planet from the sun's rays. This umbrella cannot shadow the Earth all the time, as we need some sun for growing crops, keeping our weather moving, and getting suntans to look good on the beach. But it could be put into an orbit that would shadow the earth – say – an hour or so a day during daylight hours, reducing the sun's heat hitting the earth by 10%. This would immediately have a cooling effect on our planet, and we could go on using fossil fuels and increasing global warming gases in the atmosphere with impunity. If it got warmer again, we could simply shoot up another bumbershoot.
I hope you have learned something about the scientific approach to problem solving today. There are too many people out there who simply refuse to recognize that science can provide answers to problems and instead rely on outdated techniques such as prayer or rain dances.
- - - - - - - - - -
I thought I was the first to come up with the umbrella solution, but apparently not. There are other deep thinkers out there who have also hit upon this same solution! Another idea they have is to paint large areas of the planet white (think Australia) to reflect the sun's rays and keep the planet cool.
Monday, March 25, 2013
The Stink of Spring
I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that the stink bug season will be upon us soon.
The Asian brown marmorated stink bug has invaded the US and is about to descend in Biblical proportions on delicious US crops, devouring all in its path and laying waste to the landscape, turning once fertile fields into windblown, desert desolation.
OK, it's not THAT bad, but the nasty bugs do pose a threat to US crops, and 2013 is looking to be a bad year. Not only do they feast on a wide variety of crops, but they are very difficult to eradicate. Even swatting them with a magazine or a slipper leaves a bad smell behind which is itself very difficult to remove.
Being "Asian" stink bugs, we have them here in Japan, of course, and have suffered from the "over-wintering" problem in our house. They sneak into the crooks and crannies of the walls and hibernate, then when warmer spring weather arrives, they come out in their masses, looking for dates. They crowd around on the windows and walls, checking each other out, often pairing off and ... well... this IS a family blog... you can imagine what they do.
We vacuum them up, but that leaves a very bad smell – true to their name – in the vacuum exhaust.
In the US, they are experimenting with various ways of eliminating this destructive pest. They have tested pheromones to lure the stinky creatures into traps, but these have not proven to deal with the large numbers of bugs around. Chemical solutions have been tried as well, but the sprays they use must go on the fruits and vegetables which humans also eat, so the risk of toxicity to consumers is also a concern. There is a small parasitic wasp that lays its eggs among stink bug eggs. The wasp eggs hatch and eat up the stink bug eggs around them. The trouble with using a non-native species of wasp is that nobody knows what other side effects it might have. Non-native species can be unexpectedly dangerous. The inadvertent introduction of the brown snake in Guam, for example, almost obliterated the native bird population. Similar disastrous effects have been shown in New Zealand as well; mammals brought in from outside killed off a lot of the native birds which had evolved to become flightless for lack of predators, making them easy prey.
What can be done about the stink bugs?
First of all it's important to relate to them in their own language. These ARE Asian stink bugs after all, and most – if not all – of them probably understand Japanese. So we should look to Japan to see what they do to deal with these pests.
In Japan, cracking down on social problems such as criminal gangs and the like is done by flying large banners that say things like, "Stop Idling" or "Stop Old People Traffic Accidents", "Stop Motorcycle Rough Riders", or even "Stop Gangs". This same strategy also applies to stink bugs.
Yes, they fly banners in the fields saying "Stop Stink Bugs". These red banners make the stink bugs feel unwelcome and encourage them to move along and not eat up the tender stalks of rice. Most of them probably go to the US.
The US needs to buy these banners and fly them in its fields and orchards to make the stink bugs move to another place. Some of the stink bugs may have adapted to American life, so it would not be a bad idea to have banners in both Japanese and English, just in case.
If we can continue this program, eventually we can convince the stinky insects that they all must move to Canada or some other inhospitably cold place where they will "overwinter" for their whole lives, never coming out in spring.
The Asian brown marmorated stink bug has invaded the US and is about to descend in Biblical proportions on delicious US crops, devouring all in its path and laying waste to the landscape, turning once fertile fields into windblown, desert desolation.
OK, it's not THAT bad, but the nasty bugs do pose a threat to US crops, and 2013 is looking to be a bad year. Not only do they feast on a wide variety of crops, but they are very difficult to eradicate. Even swatting them with a magazine or a slipper leaves a bad smell behind which is itself very difficult to remove.
Being "Asian" stink bugs, we have them here in Japan, of course, and have suffered from the "over-wintering" problem in our house. They sneak into the crooks and crannies of the walls and hibernate, then when warmer spring weather arrives, they come out in their masses, looking for dates. They crowd around on the windows and walls, checking each other out, often pairing off and ... well... this IS a family blog... you can imagine what they do.
We vacuum them up, but that leaves a very bad smell – true to their name – in the vacuum exhaust.
In the US, they are experimenting with various ways of eliminating this destructive pest. They have tested pheromones to lure the stinky creatures into traps, but these have not proven to deal with the large numbers of bugs around. Chemical solutions have been tried as well, but the sprays they use must go on the fruits and vegetables which humans also eat, so the risk of toxicity to consumers is also a concern. There is a small parasitic wasp that lays its eggs among stink bug eggs. The wasp eggs hatch and eat up the stink bug eggs around them. The trouble with using a non-native species of wasp is that nobody knows what other side effects it might have. Non-native species can be unexpectedly dangerous. The inadvertent introduction of the brown snake in Guam, for example, almost obliterated the native bird population. Similar disastrous effects have been shown in New Zealand as well; mammals brought in from outside killed off a lot of the native birds which had evolved to become flightless for lack of predators, making them easy prey.
What can be done about the stink bugs?
First of all it's important to relate to them in their own language. These ARE Asian stink bugs after all, and most – if not all – of them probably understand Japanese. So we should look to Japan to see what they do to deal with these pests.
In Japan, cracking down on social problems such as criminal gangs and the like is done by flying large banners that say things like, "Stop Idling" or "Stop Old People Traffic Accidents", "Stop Motorcycle Rough Riders", or even "Stop Gangs". This same strategy also applies to stink bugs.
Yes, they fly banners in the fields saying "Stop Stink Bugs". These red banners make the stink bugs feel unwelcome and encourage them to move along and not eat up the tender stalks of rice. Most of them probably go to the US.
The US needs to buy these banners and fly them in its fields and orchards to make the stink bugs move to another place. Some of the stink bugs may have adapted to American life, so it would not be a bad idea to have banners in both Japanese and English, just in case.
If we can continue this program, eventually we can convince the stinky insects that they all must move to Canada or some other inhospitably cold place where they will "overwinter" for their whole lives, never coming out in spring.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Lose Weight, Impress Your Date!
Once again, it is time to take a look at what's new in the diet regimen world. Americans seem to know no bounds when it comes to gaining weight. As we discovered in an earlier post after (shudder) doing some math, they are packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on their national body. It's not all bad news though as Americans also probably lose that much weight in wild diet trends every year, only to gain it back – plus some – the next year.
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
Monday, September 24, 2012
Self-Help for the Hopeless
In surfing around the Internet, you frequently stumble upon self-help columns: how to lose those extra pounds, are you getting enough vitamin D, or did you forget your car keys in the refrigerator again?
Some go even farther, offering complete life guidelines to help desperate people fix up their lives and get back on the track to wherever it is they are going.
I saw a sign for a Vibrational Psychology office recently and looked it up, only to find that it is a real thing! I mean it IS on the Internet, so it must be real and scientific and all, right? It starts by describing us, "As vibrational beings...." I had no idea! There are a lot of words on their home page, and since I am word-challenged, I only read some of them, but it seems like the gist of it is that we vibrate a lot at some quantum physics level and that if we can only "tune-up" those vibrations (with the help of the vibrational psychologist of course – $90~120/hour), we can become better people.
Since I cannot afford even one session at that rate, and also feel that my vibes are probably not that out of sync, I checked out another site that offers free advice on how to spruce up your life and live a better you! Now, this is spiritual advice, mind you, not Dear Abby-sort of advice. The adviser's name is Deepak Chopra which – to me at least – sounds profoundly spiritual by itself. If you say it repeatedly in a slow, deep voice, it becomes a kind of mantra which probably could reduce your blood pressure or at least improve your pronunciation.
What is Deepak's advice?
1. Be passionate about your life and the experiences you fill it with.
This sounds really good if your life is going well, but what if you are filling your life with armed robberies or listless dope smoking?
In that case you need to go to...
2. Remain open to as much input as possible.
I can see this. When the driver behind me is tailgating and honking his horn, I should be open to his input and maybe... what?... slam on the brakes?
3. Don't shut down the feedback loop with judgment, rigid beliefs, and prejudices.
Right. What I understand this fancy expression to mean is, if you have judgmentally rigid beliefs and prejudices, stop them.
4. Don't censor incoming data through denial.
This is like #2 above. If you remain open, you also must not deny the incoming data. It will definitely upset your vibrations and then you will need to pay money to see the vibrational psychologist.
5. Examine other points of view as if they were your own.
I do this all the time. I look at – say – the Republican Party's ideas as if they were my own, and then when I switch back, I wonder how in the world I could have taken such serious leave of my senses. Was I out of my mind?!
6. Take possession of everything in your life. Be self-sufficient.
I have started farming and drilling for oil on my land already! And those of you who have borrowed tools and stuff from me? Give them back right away! I am keeping the ones in my possession though. Sorry.
7. Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt – they falsely color your reality.
Really! Ain't it the TRUTH! In fact, my reality is actually colored a pastel green, but all my shames and guilts have turned it into a really disgusting orange color. I need to "work on it". What do you want to bet I need to PAY someone to find out how to "work on it"?
8. Free yourself emotionally – to be emotionally resilient is the best defense against growing rigid.
Some basic stretching exercises help too. Like touching your toes without bending your knees and such. You CAN see your toes, right? Oh... "emotionally resilient". It's the same, but you do the bending over and touching your toes emotionally.
9. Harbor no secrets – they create dark places in the psyche.
This is part of the Dark Matter that astronomers are talking about these days. Every secret you harbor, becomes part of the Dark Matter of the universe, contributing to the separation of the galaxies, the development of black holes, and the eventual victory of the Evil Empire.
10. Be willing to redefine yourself every day.
Mitt Romney has this down pat! But for the rest of us, I am not so sure it's a good idea. Yesterday I was a really nice guy, loving and caring, hard working and socially responsible, so TODAY.... MWAHAHAHAHA!! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
11. Don't regret the past or fear the future. Both bring misery through self-doubt.
He should have stopped at 10.
I hope this examination of helping yourself has been as meaningful for you as it has for me. After all, God helps those who help themselves. I would like to help myself too, but I have run out of fried chicken for the time being.
Some go even farther, offering complete life guidelines to help desperate people fix up their lives and get back on the track to wherever it is they are going.
I saw a sign for a Vibrational Psychology office recently and looked it up, only to find that it is a real thing! I mean it IS on the Internet, so it must be real and scientific and all, right? It starts by describing us, "As vibrational beings...." I had no idea! There are a lot of words on their home page, and since I am word-challenged, I only read some of them, but it seems like the gist of it is that we vibrate a lot at some quantum physics level and that if we can only "tune-up" those vibrations (with the help of the vibrational psychologist of course – $90~120/hour), we can become better people.
Since I cannot afford even one session at that rate, and also feel that my vibes are probably not that out of sync, I checked out another site that offers free advice on how to spruce up your life and live a better you! Now, this is spiritual advice, mind you, not Dear Abby-sort of advice. The adviser's name is Deepak Chopra which – to me at least – sounds profoundly spiritual by itself. If you say it repeatedly in a slow, deep voice, it becomes a kind of mantra which probably could reduce your blood pressure or at least improve your pronunciation.
What is Deepak's advice?
1. Be passionate about your life and the experiences you fill it with.
This sounds really good if your life is going well, but what if you are filling your life with armed robberies or listless dope smoking?
In that case you need to go to...
2. Remain open to as much input as possible.
I can see this. When the driver behind me is tailgating and honking his horn, I should be open to his input and maybe... what?... slam on the brakes?
3. Don't shut down the feedback loop with judgment, rigid beliefs, and prejudices.
Right. What I understand this fancy expression to mean is, if you have judgmentally rigid beliefs and prejudices, stop them.
4. Don't censor incoming data through denial.
This is like #2 above. If you remain open, you also must not deny the incoming data. It will definitely upset your vibrations and then you will need to pay money to see the vibrational psychologist.
5. Examine other points of view as if they were your own.
I do this all the time. I look at – say – the Republican Party's ideas as if they were my own, and then when I switch back, I wonder how in the world I could have taken such serious leave of my senses. Was I out of my mind?!
6. Take possession of everything in your life. Be self-sufficient.
I have started farming and drilling for oil on my land already! And those of you who have borrowed tools and stuff from me? Give them back right away! I am keeping the ones in my possession though. Sorry.
7. Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt – they falsely color your reality.
Really! Ain't it the TRUTH! In fact, my reality is actually colored a pastel green, but all my shames and guilts have turned it into a really disgusting orange color. I need to "work on it". What do you want to bet I need to PAY someone to find out how to "work on it"?
8. Free yourself emotionally – to be emotionally resilient is the best defense against growing rigid.
Some basic stretching exercises help too. Like touching your toes without bending your knees and such. You CAN see your toes, right? Oh... "emotionally resilient". It's the same, but you do the bending over and touching your toes emotionally.
9. Harbor no secrets – they create dark places in the psyche.
This is part of the Dark Matter that astronomers are talking about these days. Every secret you harbor, becomes part of the Dark Matter of the universe, contributing to the separation of the galaxies, the development of black holes, and the eventual victory of the Evil Empire.
10. Be willing to redefine yourself every day.
Mitt Romney has this down pat! But for the rest of us, I am not so sure it's a good idea. Yesterday I was a really nice guy, loving and caring, hard working and socially responsible, so TODAY.... MWAHAHAHAHA!! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
11. Don't regret the past or fear the future. Both bring misery through self-doubt.
He should have stopped at 10.
I hope this examination of helping yourself has been as meaningful for you as it has for me. After all, God helps those who help themselves. I would like to help myself too, but I have run out of fried chicken for the time being.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Potty Nanny
If you are like me, you probably muddle along in life, trying to figure out what is going on with the precious little information available to you.
Yes, it's true that some countries are better at being helpful than others. In Japan, for example, public steps are taken on a routine basis to ensure that citizens get the information they need to live happier and less accident prone lives. Riding commuter trains in any big city, for example, you can hear or see announcements exhorting you to:
"Hold onto the escalator handrail and stand within the yellow lines on each step."
"Hold your child's hand while riding the escalator."
"Stand behind the yellow line on the platform."
"Your cell phone may adversely affect those with medical devices such as pace-makers. Please turn off your phone." (Nobody does)
"The trains are very crowded, please prepare to disembark well before the train arrives at your station."
"Watch your step as you disembark the train."
"Please take all of your belongings with you when you leave the train."
"Please do not talk on your cellphone except in the designated areas."
"No pets."
And so on.
Despite these worthwhile efforts, however, there are a lot of "grey areas" where average laymen, like me, find it difficult to make decisions about which path to take down the trail of life.
Imagine my delight then to stumble upon this news! In a nutshell, scientists, in their ever eager desire to make a better tomorrow, have developed a talking urinal cake. For you ladies out there ("ladies" = women who don't know what a urinal cake is), a urinal cake is a round cake of deodorant that is put in the bottom of urinals, where men pee in restrooms as opposed to out in the bushes or other unauthorized places.
This talking urinal cake says, in a woman's voice, helpful things like, "Hey, listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!" and then goes on to suggest that maybe you have had too many drinks and might need a designated driver. The urinal cake, unfortunately, does not go the next step and actually offer to BE the designated driver, but the mere suggestion to the inebriated urinater is hoped to be enough.
Leaving aside the side effects of such a device...
Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing): Oh my god... that malt liquor goes right THROUGH me ... whew... ahhhh....
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (looking around and peeing outside the urinal): What the...? Damn, did I go into the wrong restroom? I am sorry ladies.... damn. No wait.... there ain't no urinals in the ladies room! Ha ha ha ha! Oops... damn... all over the wall! (giggles and improves his aim).
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (staggering back and peeing on the floor, his own shoes and pants cuffs): Oh my god! I am starting to hear things! I need a drink BAD! (he staggers back into the bar)
... the developers may be onto something.
As a first step, these devices should not be limited to the men's room. Of course, the women's toilet always has water in it, so it cannot be activated in the same way as the urinal cake. Instead the toilet seat itself could be the activating mechanism.
Scenario: Woman in restroom
Woman (sitting on toilet): Whew... I thought I was going to pop in that meeting...
Toilet seat: Hey, sweetie. I noticed when you sat down, you depressed every one of my sensors, basically enveloping me. Maybe you want to cut out that bag of chips in the afternoon when you watch TV?
Woman: . . . . . . . . .
Or why should we stop there? One-way suggestions from mechanical devices are so last century! Interactive is the buzz word for today. You could incorporate the interactivity of your iPhone's Siri into the urinal cake!
Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing and crying): Oh man... I am such a loser... all those beautiful women out there and not one... NOT ONE of them even gives me a second glance...
Urinal cake: Hey! Let me ask you a question, OK?
Drunk (looking around): Huh? OK....
Urinal cake: Can you actually SEE your wiener over your beer belly there?
Drunk (checking): Well... uh.... no, but I can FEEL it?
Urinal cake: That's your reason. Have a nice day.
Think about the other possibilities. Most people probably spend 15 minutes a day using the restroom facilities or 456 hours per year. If you consider that the average therapy session is one hour, perhaps one time a week, you can see that an interactive toilet device could be deployed in a psychiatric role to good effect.
Scenario: Toilet therapy
Toilet: So... tell me, Walter, after our last session, how did you feel? Were you better able to understand your wife's reaction to your neoprene fetish?
Walter: Well... I thought about it, of course, but I just don't understand why she is so down on this important part of my character!
Toilet: Maybe you should go back to regular sheets and pillow cases? Perhaps the sudden change was too much for her. I certainly think that changing to cotton clothing would not be a bad thing to try. It IS your marriage, after all.
Walter: I will have to think about that... see you later after lunch.
Toilet: See you Walter. Don't forget to put the toilet seat back down and to wash your hands before leaving the restroom.
I am sure that inventive scientists can come up with even more applications for this exciting new technology. After all every home has at least one toilet and restaurants, shopping centers, stores, stadiums and almost every other place have thousands more right in your neighborhood. Perhaps the toilets could even be adapted to detect your DNA and send you a very personal message. It will be a brave new world indeed!
- - - - - - - - - -
The links in all of my posts are meant to be clicked and looked at, contributing an added dimension to this experience.
Yes, it's true that some countries are better at being helpful than others. In Japan, for example, public steps are taken on a routine basis to ensure that citizens get the information they need to live happier and less accident prone lives. Riding commuter trains in any big city, for example, you can hear or see announcements exhorting you to:
"Hold onto the escalator handrail and stand within the yellow lines on each step."
"Hold your child's hand while riding the escalator."
"Stand behind the yellow line on the platform."
"Your cell phone may adversely affect those with medical devices such as pace-makers. Please turn off your phone." (Nobody does)
"The trains are very crowded, please prepare to disembark well before the train arrives at your station."
"Watch your step as you disembark the train."
"Please take all of your belongings with you when you leave the train."
"Please do not talk on your cellphone except in the designated areas."
"No pets."
And so on.
Despite these worthwhile efforts, however, there are a lot of "grey areas" where average laymen, like me, find it difficult to make decisions about which path to take down the trail of life.
Imagine my delight then to stumble upon this news! In a nutshell, scientists, in their ever eager desire to make a better tomorrow, have developed a talking urinal cake. For you ladies out there ("ladies" = women who don't know what a urinal cake is), a urinal cake is a round cake of deodorant that is put in the bottom of urinals, where men pee in restrooms as opposed to out in the bushes or other unauthorized places.
This talking urinal cake says, in a woman's voice, helpful things like, "Hey, listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!" and then goes on to suggest that maybe you have had too many drinks and might need a designated driver. The urinal cake, unfortunately, does not go the next step and actually offer to BE the designated driver, but the mere suggestion to the inebriated urinater is hoped to be enough.
Leaving aside the side effects of such a device...
Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing): Oh my god... that malt liquor goes right THROUGH me ... whew... ahhhh....
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (looking around and peeing outside the urinal): What the...? Damn, did I go into the wrong restroom? I am sorry ladies.... damn. No wait.... there ain't no urinals in the ladies room! Ha ha ha ha! Oops... damn... all over the wall! (giggles and improves his aim).
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (staggering back and peeing on the floor, his own shoes and pants cuffs): Oh my god! I am starting to hear things! I need a drink BAD! (he staggers back into the bar)
... the developers may be onto something.
As a first step, these devices should not be limited to the men's room. Of course, the women's toilet always has water in it, so it cannot be activated in the same way as the urinal cake. Instead the toilet seat itself could be the activating mechanism.
Scenario: Woman in restroom
Woman (sitting on toilet): Whew... I thought I was going to pop in that meeting...
Toilet seat: Hey, sweetie. I noticed when you sat down, you depressed every one of my sensors, basically enveloping me. Maybe you want to cut out that bag of chips in the afternoon when you watch TV?
Woman: . . . . . . . . .
Or why should we stop there? One-way suggestions from mechanical devices are so last century! Interactive is the buzz word for today. You could incorporate the interactivity of your iPhone's Siri into the urinal cake!
Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing and crying): Oh man... I am such a loser... all those beautiful women out there and not one... NOT ONE of them even gives me a second glance...
Urinal cake: Hey! Let me ask you a question, OK?
Drunk (looking around): Huh? OK....
Urinal cake: Can you actually SEE your wiener over your beer belly there?
Drunk (checking): Well... uh.... no, but I can FEEL it?
Urinal cake: That's your reason. Have a nice day.
Think about the other possibilities. Most people probably spend 15 minutes a day using the restroom facilities or 456 hours per year. If you consider that the average therapy session is one hour, perhaps one time a week, you can see that an interactive toilet device could be deployed in a psychiatric role to good effect.
Scenario: Toilet therapy
Toilet: So... tell me, Walter, after our last session, how did you feel? Were you better able to understand your wife's reaction to your neoprene fetish?
Walter: Well... I thought about it, of course, but I just don't understand why she is so down on this important part of my character!
Toilet: Maybe you should go back to regular sheets and pillow cases? Perhaps the sudden change was too much for her. I certainly think that changing to cotton clothing would not be a bad thing to try. It IS your marriage, after all.
Walter: I will have to think about that... see you later after lunch.
Toilet: See you Walter. Don't forget to put the toilet seat back down and to wash your hands before leaving the restroom.
I am sure that inventive scientists can come up with even more applications for this exciting new technology. After all every home has at least one toilet and restaurants, shopping centers, stores, stadiums and almost every other place have thousands more right in your neighborhood. Perhaps the toilets could even be adapted to detect your DNA and send you a very personal message. It will be a brave new world indeed!
- - - - - - - - - -
The links in all of my posts are meant to be clicked and looked at, contributing an added dimension to this experience.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Evolyrics
Normally when I run out of stuff to write about, I would rant on and on about how dumb Republicans or members of the religious right are, but today I want to talk about something even more important, Evolution.
No, not evolution of the species, evolution in pop culture.
It may be my imagination, but doesn't it seem like modern "music" lyrics have really gone downhill over the past 50 years or so?
Take hip hop music with its rap sounds. I am sure you have heard them, blasting from cars that slowly cruise down the streets with their windows puffing in and out with the base tones.
Drake and Lil Wayne released their popular hit "Gonorrhea" in 2010. You can tell by the title that the lyrics are going to be a major contribution to world culture.
Drake raps,
"Big Mo, Big Red, two cups made of styrofoam
big cheese big bread call that sh-t a calzone
I will break your f-cking collar bone"
To which Lil Wayne responds in part,
"uh, you keep talkin’ that sh-t I’mma see ya
kill ya senorita and and f-ck ya mama mia!"
Call me old fashioned, but what ARE they talking about? Now back in MY day, the musicians really had a way with words!
Who could forget the Beach Boys and their big hit release in 1964, Papa Oom Mow Mow (listen from 1:30)? Sample lyrics:
"Papa-papa-hoooo
(A papa-oom-mow-mow a papa-oom-mow-mow)
Papa-papa-papa-hoooo
(A papa-oom-mow-mow a papa-oom-mow-mow)
Doot doot doot"
I am telling you, they just do not write lyrics like that anymore.
Even as late as 1975, musicians like KC & The Sunshine Band were writing moving songs with compelling poetry, such as, "That's the Way I Like It" (you can sing along!).
Lyrics that have a way of staying with you over the ages:
"That's the way
uh huh uh huh
I like it
uh huh uh huh.
That's the way
uh huh uh huh
I like it
uh huh uh huh."
Let's be honest here, even Shakespeare could not have come up with lyrics like those!
But I digress; what we want to talk about is evolution, right? The evolution of romantic lyrics is what I specifically had in mind.
In 1963, The Beatles released their big hit, "I Want to Hold Your Hand". How touching! A whole song about wanting to hold his girlfriend's hand!
It wasn't long, however, until Tommy James and the Shondells pushed the romantic envelope with "Hanky Panky" in 1966.
"My baby does the hanky panky
My baby does the hanky panky
My baby does the hanky panky
My baby does the hanky panky"
It leaves a little less to the imagination than what might happen after holding hands with the Beatles. But still, "hanky panky" could be something like serious flirting or even petting; there is some room for interpretation. Naturally the lyricists evolved until by 2006, Akon and Snoop Dogg laid it ALL on the table with their big hit, "I wanna f**k you". Absolutely no question there about the romantic intent! Holding hands is for wusses.
A lot of deeply disturbed people don't believe in evolution and complain that there is no evidence to support the view that evolution exists, but clearly they will have to admit that in popular culture at least, things is moving along!
No, not evolution of the species, evolution in pop culture.
It may be my imagination, but doesn't it seem like modern "music" lyrics have really gone downhill over the past 50 years or so?
Take hip hop music with its rap sounds. I am sure you have heard them, blasting from cars that slowly cruise down the streets with their windows puffing in and out with the base tones.
Drake and Lil Wayne released their popular hit "Gonorrhea" in 2010. You can tell by the title that the lyrics are going to be a major contribution to world culture.
Drake raps,
"Big Mo, Big Red, two cups made of styrofoam
big cheese big bread call that sh-t a calzone
I will break your f-cking collar bone"
To which Lil Wayne responds in part,
"uh, you keep talkin’ that sh-t I’mma see ya
kill ya senorita and and f-ck ya mama mia!"
Call me old fashioned, but what ARE they talking about? Now back in MY day, the musicians really had a way with words!
Who could forget the Beach Boys and their big hit release in 1964, Papa Oom Mow Mow (listen from 1:30)? Sample lyrics:
"Papa-papa-hoooo
(A papa-oom-mow-mow a papa-oom-mow-mow)
Papa-papa-papa-hoooo
(A papa-oom-mow-mow a papa-oom-mow-mow)
Doot doot doot"
I am telling you, they just do not write lyrics like that anymore.
Even as late as 1975, musicians like KC & The Sunshine Band were writing moving songs with compelling poetry, such as, "That's the Way I Like It" (you can sing along!).
Lyrics that have a way of staying with you over the ages:
"That's the way
uh huh uh huh
I like it
uh huh uh huh.
That's the way
uh huh uh huh
I like it
uh huh uh huh."
Let's be honest here, even Shakespeare could not have come up with lyrics like those!
But I digress; what we want to talk about is evolution, right? The evolution of romantic lyrics is what I specifically had in mind.
In 1963, The Beatles released their big hit, "I Want to Hold Your Hand". How touching! A whole song about wanting to hold his girlfriend's hand!
It wasn't long, however, until Tommy James and the Shondells pushed the romantic envelope with "Hanky Panky" in 1966.
"My baby does the hanky panky
My baby does the hanky panky
My baby does the hanky panky
My baby does the hanky panky"
It leaves a little less to the imagination than what might happen after holding hands with the Beatles. But still, "hanky panky" could be something like serious flirting or even petting; there is some room for interpretation. Naturally the lyricists evolved until by 2006, Akon and Snoop Dogg laid it ALL on the table with their big hit, "I wanna f**k you". Absolutely no question there about the romantic intent! Holding hands is for wusses.
A lot of deeply disturbed people don't believe in evolution and complain that there is no evidence to support the view that evolution exists, but clearly they will have to admit that in popular culture at least, things is moving along!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Spring of Sparrow Feuding
(Today's muse is a perky Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand (ask if you want to know the vintner). Tart fruit with overtones of lemongrass, minty cool and leaving my breath fresh and clean... no wait... that was the toothpaste this morning... never mind. Anyway, the wine is super!)
In our region these days, the hatching in the wild of Japanese Crested Ibis – the first time in 36 years – is dominating the news, but, keeping to the birdie theme, I want to talk about a more down-to-earth bird and its habits, the sparrow.
Sparrows come and build nests under the eaves of our house every spring (see Exhibit A).
Exhibit A
This vernal squatting behavior means that I get a chance to observe sparrow activity up-close and personal on a routine basis.
It is not as boring as you might think.
First of all, the deck below the eaves gets littered with nest building materials. (See Exhibit B). Naturally, one wonders why so much of the nest building material ends up on the deck and not in the niches under the eaves.
We nature observers, full of patience and wonder for Nature's eternal cycle of birth, life and death, are especially keen to answer these burning questions about the natural events that transpire around us.
So, let's inspect the happenings under the eaves.
Jethro is the first to return from wintering in the trailer parks down south somewhere and moves in with a flourish, building a splendid nest in the choicest location at the top of the stack on the north side out of the wind but facing the sun (Exhibit A). He and his mate, Bobbie Mae, begin their joyful nest building and stuff their convenient spot with hay, miscellaneous cat fur and whatever else they find around.
Unfortunately, latecomer Bubba sees what they are up to and remembers that HE was almost first up from the trailer parks last year, so he flies in and begins to build his nest with his mate, Savannah Lee (a serious hottie). The two of them stuff the eaves – only one spot over in an almost equally prime location. (I am not making this up.) Some of their nest materials are actually TOUCHING the nest of Jethro and Bobbie Mae!
Naturally, Jethro is not keen on this.
"Honeypie?" He says, "That braggart Bubba has done gone and horned in with a nest next to our'n."
"Wail... whatcha gonna do about it, Jethro? Ah never liked that Bubba much... Ah don' think ah want him moovin in nex door."
"You were WITH him just lass year, Bobbie Mae! Whatchuu mean you NEVER liked him?"
"Wail... let me tail you somethin' Jethro... ah wuz with him... yes, that's true, but ah never loved him lahk ah doo you."
"Oh, Bobbie Mae, you made a poem fer me! Ah am so touched. Ah luv you too, sweetie. So we need to do somethin' about Bubba!"
So Jethro goes over when Bubba is away and rips his nest apart and throws it down onto the deck (see Exhibit B).
Exhibit B
Then he and Bobbie Mae fly off to get more nest building materials to really fix up their prime spot with good stuff.
It is best not to skimp on the hay.
It's also best not to leave your nest alone.
Naturally, Bubba (who thinks he should have the prime location) comes back from a simple outing to visit the relatives (on the other side of the house) and is not keen to find his nest on our deck.
"Oh muh gawd!" Bubba spits out over his cud (or whatever it is that birds eat). "Sweets, come an' look at THIS!"
Savannah Lee flies over from the telephone wire.
"Oh Bubba!" She bursts into tears.... "What has happened to our nest? Our home!"
"It's that dayum Jethro. Ah juss know it. Ah betcha he come over here with his slut of a wahf and trashed our nest!"
"Wasn't you an' Bobbie Mae together lass year?"
"Hmm... coulda been... but ah tail you, sweets, she ain't nothin' compared to you!"
"Oh Bubba! You juss make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!" She bats her eyelashes (or something... hey! I am not a bird... live with it!) at him. But, snookums, what're we gonna do about this? We ain't got no nest no more!"
"Yeah? Wail ah will show him!"
And Bubba hops over to tear out Jethro's nest and throws IT all down onto the deck (see Exhibit B)
And this goes on and on until Uncle Clem (on the other side of the house) tells them that they are brothers and that they need to get along. Eventually, cousin Elvis with his partner Sally Lou moves in too.
"Hey Jethro!" Savannah Lee tweets, "How y'all doin' over there?"
"Ahm doin' OK, Savannah? You lookin' purty good yersef!"
"Ahm not only LOOKIN' good, hon, ah AM good too..."
At which point Bobbie Mae chirps in, "You leave Jethro alone Savannah Lee! You done caused enough troubles round here with your flirtin' and sassy ways!"
"Me?! I saw you in cousin Buford's nest last week! Don' talk to ME about flirty ways!"
"You did not!"
And Jethro tweets furiously, "You was WHAT? In cousin Buford's nest?!"
"No, honey, it weren't me! She's juss makin' that all up. Mean bitch!"
And so it goes from five in the morning until late in the day. Nothing settles down until the first eggs are laid: the blessing of nature's life-cycle, right here on the deck.
In our region these days, the hatching in the wild of Japanese Crested Ibis – the first time in 36 years – is dominating the news, but, keeping to the birdie theme, I want to talk about a more down-to-earth bird and its habits, the sparrow.
Sparrows come and build nests under the eaves of our house every spring (see Exhibit A).
Exhibit AIt is not as boring as you might think.
First of all, the deck below the eaves gets littered with nest building materials. (See Exhibit B). Naturally, one wonders why so much of the nest building material ends up on the deck and not in the niches under the eaves.
We nature observers, full of patience and wonder for Nature's eternal cycle of birth, life and death, are especially keen to answer these burning questions about the natural events that transpire around us.
So, let's inspect the happenings under the eaves.
Jethro is the first to return from wintering in the trailer parks down south somewhere and moves in with a flourish, building a splendid nest in the choicest location at the top of the stack on the north side out of the wind but facing the sun (Exhibit A). He and his mate, Bobbie Mae, begin their joyful nest building and stuff their convenient spot with hay, miscellaneous cat fur and whatever else they find around.
Unfortunately, latecomer Bubba sees what they are up to and remembers that HE was almost first up from the trailer parks last year, so he flies in and begins to build his nest with his mate, Savannah Lee (a serious hottie). The two of them stuff the eaves – only one spot over in an almost equally prime location. (I am not making this up.) Some of their nest materials are actually TOUCHING the nest of Jethro and Bobbie Mae!
Naturally, Jethro is not keen on this.
"Honeypie?" He says, "That braggart Bubba has done gone and horned in with a nest next to our'n."
"Wail... whatcha gonna do about it, Jethro? Ah never liked that Bubba much... Ah don' think ah want him moovin in nex door."
"You were WITH him just lass year, Bobbie Mae! Whatchuu mean you NEVER liked him?"
"Wail... let me tail you somethin' Jethro... ah wuz with him... yes, that's true, but ah never loved him lahk ah doo you."
"Oh, Bobbie Mae, you made a poem fer me! Ah am so touched. Ah luv you too, sweetie. So we need to do somethin' about Bubba!"
So Jethro goes over when Bubba is away and rips his nest apart and throws it down onto the deck (see Exhibit B).
Exhibit BThen he and Bobbie Mae fly off to get more nest building materials to really fix up their prime spot with good stuff.
It is best not to skimp on the hay.
It's also best not to leave your nest alone.
Naturally, Bubba (who thinks he should have the prime location) comes back from a simple outing to visit the relatives (on the other side of the house) and is not keen to find his nest on our deck.
"Oh muh gawd!" Bubba spits out over his cud (or whatever it is that birds eat). "Sweets, come an' look at THIS!"
Savannah Lee flies over from the telephone wire.
"Oh Bubba!" She bursts into tears.... "What has happened to our nest? Our home!"
"It's that dayum Jethro. Ah juss know it. Ah betcha he come over here with his slut of a wahf and trashed our nest!"
"Wasn't you an' Bobbie Mae together lass year?"
"Hmm... coulda been... but ah tail you, sweets, she ain't nothin' compared to you!"
"Oh Bubba! You juss make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!" She bats her eyelashes (or something... hey! I am not a bird... live with it!) at him. But, snookums, what're we gonna do about this? We ain't got no nest no more!"
"Yeah? Wail ah will show him!"
And Bubba hops over to tear out Jethro's nest and throws IT all down onto the deck (see Exhibit B)
And this goes on and on until Uncle Clem (on the other side of the house) tells them that they are brothers and that they need to get along. Eventually, cousin Elvis with his partner Sally Lou moves in too.
"Hey Jethro!" Savannah Lee tweets, "How y'all doin' over there?"
"Ahm doin' OK, Savannah? You lookin' purty good yersef!"
"Ahm not only LOOKIN' good, hon, ah AM good too..."
At which point Bobbie Mae chirps in, "You leave Jethro alone Savannah Lee! You done caused enough troubles round here with your flirtin' and sassy ways!"
"Me?! I saw you in cousin Buford's nest last week! Don' talk to ME about flirty ways!"
"You did not!"
And Jethro tweets furiously, "You was WHAT? In cousin Buford's nest?!"
"No, honey, it weren't me! She's juss makin' that all up. Mean bitch!"
And so it goes from five in the morning until late in the day. Nothing settles down until the first eggs are laid: the blessing of nature's life-cycle, right here on the deck.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Conservative? There's a pill for that now.
Progressives like me have often stood back in awed incredulity at some things conservatives say they believe: the Earth was created 6000 years ago, guns at home will protect you from the government, a second-class status for women is God's will, President Obama is not an American, on and on. When I say "conservative" here, I am not talking about conservatives like President Eisenhower or even Ronald Reagan. I am talking about the gay-hating, gun-toting, racist, tea party, misogynist, creation-thumping conservatives. You know the ones – the "bottom line" supporters of Rick Santorum.
For so long, we thought that this was an enlightenment problem; they just needed to be dragged out of the 12th century and into the modern world by education, and all would be OK.
How wrong we were.
Even a four-year, college education only helps 62% of them, according to Rick Santorum; it didn't cure him, obviously.
Recent research conducted by Dr. Gordon Hodson, a professor of psychology, shows that conservatives have fearful ideologies, "because such ideologies feature 'structure and order' that make it easier to comprehend a complicated world. Unfortunately, many of these features can also contribute to prejudice."
Moreover, it seems that conservatives' very brains are different. Other research done in the UK points up the fact that conservatives have larger centers of the brain associated with fear. The researchers caution that whether this is a cause or an effect is not clear. Indeed, being "born again", an experience shared by many turbo-conservatives has been linked to atrophy of the hippocampus, the "part of the brain critical to learning and memory".
Then comes along this study done at Oxford University, no less, which seems to show that racist and probably other "fearful" conditions can be treated by a common medication for heart disease. Racism and sexism have already been linked to certain personality disorders associated with other conservative views, so it might well be that a whole array of conservative symptoms might be a part of a bigger but treatable condition.
Clearly we need to stop thinking of conservatism as something that more time in the classroom will ameliorate but rather as a mental health issue. Medications like those mentioned above need to be developed so that they specifically target the fears of right wingers. This way doctors can prescribe a pill to cure someone of – say – an irrational fear that President Obama is a Muslim, or that gay marriages somehow affect straight life. Maybe – with luck – a pill could even be developed to cure creationism and other extreme Old Testamentarian views!
Of course, getting these cantankerous people to take their medications for their own good (and ours) might be difficult, but a doctor's orders will carry a lot of weight. Since conservatism is so clearly a mental disorder, it should be included in the DSM IV, so that these palliative medications can be prescribed as a part of a health insurance plan. I certainly would not have a moral objection to THESE pills being covered by health insurance.
For so long, we thought that this was an enlightenment problem; they just needed to be dragged out of the 12th century and into the modern world by education, and all would be OK.
How wrong we were.
Even a four-year, college education only helps 62% of them, according to Rick Santorum; it didn't cure him, obviously.
Recent research conducted by Dr. Gordon Hodson, a professor of psychology, shows that conservatives have fearful ideologies, "because such ideologies feature 'structure and order' that make it easier to comprehend a complicated world. Unfortunately, many of these features can also contribute to prejudice."
Moreover, it seems that conservatives' very brains are different. Other research done in the UK points up the fact that conservatives have larger centers of the brain associated with fear. The researchers caution that whether this is a cause or an effect is not clear. Indeed, being "born again", an experience shared by many turbo-conservatives has been linked to atrophy of the hippocampus, the "part of the brain critical to learning and memory".
Then comes along this study done at Oxford University, no less, which seems to show that racist and probably other "fearful" conditions can be treated by a common medication for heart disease. Racism and sexism have already been linked to certain personality disorders associated with other conservative views, so it might well be that a whole array of conservative symptoms might be a part of a bigger but treatable condition.
Clearly we need to stop thinking of conservatism as something that more time in the classroom will ameliorate but rather as a mental health issue. Medications like those mentioned above need to be developed so that they specifically target the fears of right wingers. This way doctors can prescribe a pill to cure someone of – say – an irrational fear that President Obama is a Muslim, or that gay marriages somehow affect straight life. Maybe – with luck – a pill could even be developed to cure creationism and other extreme Old Testamentarian views!
Of course, getting these cantankerous people to take their medications for their own good (and ours) might be difficult, but a doctor's orders will carry a lot of weight. Since conservatism is so clearly a mental disorder, it should be included in the DSM IV, so that these palliative medications can be prescribed as a part of a health insurance plan. I certainly would not have a moral objection to THESE pills being covered by health insurance.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Save the Japanese Part 3
There is a movement here in Japan to nominate Japanese cuisine to the UNESCO World Heritage list. A noble effort indeed, but perhaps a more pressing agenda might be to place the Japanese themselves on the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species! As I have posted in previous articles here and here, the Japanese are in grave danger of becoming extinct.
All of the signs are bad and looking worse.
What can be done to turn these trends around and save the Japanese from extinction? It's a desperate situation. If nothing is done, someone will be turning out the lights in vast areas of Japan in as little as 40 years.
Some agencies and individuals are trying to reverse this decline.
As I posted recently, the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) are doing their bit to encourage marriage. Baseball teams, private businesses, and even local governments have tried to get involved in konkatsu, promoting marriage. Of course, yours truly has tried to do his part, as you can read in the links above.
Despite these efforts the trend is bleak.
And then I read that the National Police Agency (NPA) is cracking down on marriages with foreigners, calling some of them "bogus" and suggesting that they may be "creating the infrastructure for a host of other criminal activities". "Other" criminal activities!
Are they kidding me?
This is no time to be cracking down on marriage! It's like poaching pandas! They should be encouraging this. These marriages could set a good example for other Japanese. A Japanese is getting married in these connections after all; how bad can that be?
Other steps must be taken to reverse these discouraging trends. While I have been active in promoting ideas in this regard (see links above), this is no time to rest on my laurels. I need to keep pushing for new and cutting edge concepts to reverse this course.
Fortunately, I keep abreast of scientific discoveries and happened upon this important information about women's eggs.
You CAN make tiny omelets out of them after all!
Ha! Ha! Just kidding ladies.
No, the research being done reveals that contrary to popular belief, women are not born with a finite number of eggs, but retain the stem cells to produce them throughout their lives. Men also can continue to produce viable sperm until a very advanced age, but the problem seems to be in the "housing" for these reproductive cells. You know... their bodies.
Putting this in easy-to-understand, layman's terms, imagine you are an egg stem cell. At first the up-market neighborhood where you live is lively, growing and full of energy. Naturally, you want to send new eggs out into this welcoming world to find their way and blossom to a better tomorrow. The new sperm models are out too!
But then, as time passes, the old neighborhood starts to fall into decline. Most of the neighbors are cranky, old coots and even some of the nearby houses turn into crack dens. Leering, geezer sperms prowl the streets looking for trouble. Would you want to send your innocent eggs out into a world like this? Of course not. So you plop down on the sofa with the windows barred and watch TV all day in your night gown.
What you don't realize, however, is that withdrawing like this is the very reason for the general decline in the neighborhood!
The same applies to sperm stem cells. After a period of feeling young, dapper and full of oats, they suddenly wake up from their priapic fantasies and see how much their neighborhood has gone downhill. Even the eggs they see hanging around are past their best-by dates. Depressed, they simply give up and wallow in binge drinking and sleeping on the floor with dogs. With dogs!
So scientists want to provide "incentives" for you – the egg or sperm stem cell – to get up off your fat butt, clean up and start sending eggs or sperm out into the world to unite against the challenges you may experience there!
This could reverse many of the symptoms of menopause or – since the experiments are done in mice – "mouseopause" as those forever funny scientists call it. Similar work can be done on men as well. Aging mice have basically been made young again with this cutting edge technology!
The Japanese government needs to get cracking. Along with developing housing for the evacuees from the tsunami and nuclear power plant accident, it also must work on stimulating the "housing" for the poor, reproductive stem cells. Certain proteins have proven to be successful in this effort, so Japan needs to take dramatic steps in these cutting-edge fields. Let's face it, the percentage of people over the age of 65 in Japan is already close to one in four! These people are just farting around, soaking up national resources, and playing golf. Golf! They cannot be allowed to simply go to pasture. No! They need to do their part to help save the Japanese as well. Only by recruiting the "housing challenged" and "stimulating" them to do their part, can Japan expect to see a reversal in its inexorable population decline.
All of the signs are bad and looking worse.
- Japan's population is in decline, likely to fall to 1950s levels in only 40 years, never mind 90 years from now.
- Japanese young people don't want to get married. (complete report from the Japanese government here – in Japanese)
- Japanese young people are not even that interested in sex.
What can be done to turn these trends around and save the Japanese from extinction? It's a desperate situation. If nothing is done, someone will be turning out the lights in vast areas of Japan in as little as 40 years.
Some agencies and individuals are trying to reverse this decline.
As I posted recently, the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) are doing their bit to encourage marriage. Baseball teams, private businesses, and even local governments have tried to get involved in konkatsu, promoting marriage. Of course, yours truly has tried to do his part, as you can read in the links above.
Despite these efforts the trend is bleak.
And then I read that the National Police Agency (NPA) is cracking down on marriages with foreigners, calling some of them "bogus" and suggesting that they may be "creating the infrastructure for a host of other criminal activities". "Other" criminal activities!
Are they kidding me?
This is no time to be cracking down on marriage! It's like poaching pandas! They should be encouraging this. These marriages could set a good example for other Japanese. A Japanese is getting married in these connections after all; how bad can that be?
Other steps must be taken to reverse these discouraging trends. While I have been active in promoting ideas in this regard (see links above), this is no time to rest on my laurels. I need to keep pushing for new and cutting edge concepts to reverse this course.
Fortunately, I keep abreast of scientific discoveries and happened upon this important information about women's eggs.
You CAN make tiny omelets out of them after all!
Ha! Ha! Just kidding ladies.
No, the research being done reveals that contrary to popular belief, women are not born with a finite number of eggs, but retain the stem cells to produce them throughout their lives. Men also can continue to produce viable sperm until a very advanced age, but the problem seems to be in the "housing" for these reproductive cells. You know... their bodies.
Putting this in easy-to-understand, layman's terms, imagine you are an egg stem cell. At first the up-market neighborhood where you live is lively, growing and full of energy. Naturally, you want to send new eggs out into this welcoming world to find their way and blossom to a better tomorrow. The new sperm models are out too!
But then, as time passes, the old neighborhood starts to fall into decline. Most of the neighbors are cranky, old coots and even some of the nearby houses turn into crack dens. Leering, geezer sperms prowl the streets looking for trouble. Would you want to send your innocent eggs out into a world like this? Of course not. So you plop down on the sofa with the windows barred and watch TV all day in your night gown.
What you don't realize, however, is that withdrawing like this is the very reason for the general decline in the neighborhood!
The same applies to sperm stem cells. After a period of feeling young, dapper and full of oats, they suddenly wake up from their priapic fantasies and see how much their neighborhood has gone downhill. Even the eggs they see hanging around are past their best-by dates. Depressed, they simply give up and wallow in binge drinking and sleeping on the floor with dogs. With dogs!
So scientists want to provide "incentives" for you – the egg or sperm stem cell – to get up off your fat butt, clean up and start sending eggs or sperm out into the world to unite against the challenges you may experience there!
This could reverse many of the symptoms of menopause or – since the experiments are done in mice – "mouseopause" as those forever funny scientists call it. Similar work can be done on men as well. Aging mice have basically been made young again with this cutting edge technology!
The Japanese government needs to get cracking. Along with developing housing for the evacuees from the tsunami and nuclear power plant accident, it also must work on stimulating the "housing" for the poor, reproductive stem cells. Certain proteins have proven to be successful in this effort, so Japan needs to take dramatic steps in these cutting-edge fields. Let's face it, the percentage of people over the age of 65 in Japan is already close to one in four! These people are just farting around, soaking up national resources, and playing golf. Golf! They cannot be allowed to simply go to pasture. No! They need to do their part to help save the Japanese as well. Only by recruiting the "housing challenged" and "stimulating" them to do their part, can Japan expect to see a reversal in its inexorable population decline.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Radiation Made Simple
The news is full of reports these days on the dangers of the nuclear power plant in Fukushima. Confusing are the results of radiation monitoring. How can we make sense of the reports and take appropriate precautions when the measurements appear in different units?
This is where I come in. I have been doing a lot of research into the nuclear issue over the past couple of weeks and this combined with my innate intelligence and quick grasp of scientific reporting enables me to provide this convenient and easy-to-use Guide to Radiation for the layperson (defined as someone who lays or is laid, especially if Roman Catholic).
First a little history.
The original measurement of radioactivity was the "curie", named after the famous French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie. The most common unit we see in the press today, however, is the Sievert. You will hear the word "Milli-Sievert" bandied about on the news every evening. This is named after Millie Sievert who worked as a maid in the house of the Curies, credited with inventing radioactivity (thank you very much, Curies). Her job also involved cleaning up the lab after their experiments. How much radiation she was exposed to during her cleaning efforts became the standard we still use today! Isn't that an interesting anecdote?
Some example doses:
1 Millie Sievert (hereafter abbreviated to MS) is the harmless equivalent of about 10 chest X-rays or about 15 flights from Tokyo to the West Coast of the United States.
100 MSs, about how much you would get from eating six tons of Fukushima spinach in 24 hours, is the equivalent of 5 space shuttle flights with 2 space walks. Another more down-to-earth way to assess this measure would be to say that it is equivalent in danger to eating a whole 1 kg bag of marshmallows.
Let's move on to some of the other measures that appear in the press. The water off the coast of the nuclear power station in Fukushima has been contaminated with radioactivity. This is measured in becquerels.
First another very interesting anecdotal reference to history.
The becquerel is named after Lewis Becquerel who was the butler in the Curie's house. Interestingly enough he and Millie Sievert carried on a torrid affair under the very noses of the Curies for 15 years before being discovered in – shall we say – an indelicate position in a closet only because both of them glowed in the dark. Becquerel's job included bringing and removing water that the Curies used for bathing and other activities, hence its continued association with water even today!
Some example dose comparisons:
1 becquerel is equal to about 600 chest X-rays done all at once. Of course nobody gets that many X-rays all at once, so this comparison doesn't really help you, the layperson, understand what the implications of exposure are. A more easy-to-understand comparison would be to say that exposure to 1 becquerel would have the same effect as – say – dropping an anvil from a 10 story building onto your head.
Let's consider some of the other measurements we hear on the nightly news.
The nanogray is one measurement used at monitoring stations around the country. They are probably not using this measurement instead of the more common Millie Sievert to confuse the public.
First a little history about the nanogray. As everyone knows, the grays are the aliens with the big eyes that are seen coming from UFOs and abducting humans to conduct salacious invasions of their body orifices. Nano, of course, means very, very small, so putting these two together, we can understand that the monitors are measuring very, very small aliens. While this is an extremely important effort whose results should not be dismissed out of hand, it has almost nothing to do with radioactivity unless the nanograys are bringing it with them by passing through irradiated areas.
Finally, we need to discuss the REM. The REM has largely fallen out of favor in recent years, mostly because of its dated 1970's appearance. Like bell bottomed pants and platform shoes, fashions fade and nobody wants to be reminded of what they wore in those days, because they can't believe it themselves. Such it is with the REM. Nobody wants to be reminded that we used old-fashioned 1970s words like that.
Convenient comparisons:
Exposure to 1 REM of radioactivity has no effect on human females, but will instantly turn a man into Michael Jackson (if you get my drift).
I hope that this review of the language surrounding the nuclear news is helpful. I realize that my broad-stroke descriptions of these terms may not be immediately grasped by some of you (such is the nature of techno-explanations to laypeople), so do not hesitate to ask questions if you need clarification.
- - - - - - - - - -
For those of you who like to look at the data directly, check out this page:
http://xkcd.com/radiation/
This is where I come in. I have been doing a lot of research into the nuclear issue over the past couple of weeks and this combined with my innate intelligence and quick grasp of scientific reporting enables me to provide this convenient and easy-to-use Guide to Radiation for the layperson (defined as someone who lays or is laid, especially if Roman Catholic).
First a little history.
The original measurement of radioactivity was the "curie", named after the famous French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie. The most common unit we see in the press today, however, is the Sievert. You will hear the word "Milli-Sievert" bandied about on the news every evening. This is named after Millie Sievert who worked as a maid in the house of the Curies, credited with inventing radioactivity (thank you very much, Curies). Her job also involved cleaning up the lab after their experiments. How much radiation she was exposed to during her cleaning efforts became the standard we still use today! Isn't that an interesting anecdote?
Some example doses:
1 Millie Sievert (hereafter abbreviated to MS) is the harmless equivalent of about 10 chest X-rays or about 15 flights from Tokyo to the West Coast of the United States.
100 MSs, about how much you would get from eating six tons of Fukushima spinach in 24 hours, is the equivalent of 5 space shuttle flights with 2 space walks. Another more down-to-earth way to assess this measure would be to say that it is equivalent in danger to eating a whole 1 kg bag of marshmallows.
Let's move on to some of the other measures that appear in the press. The water off the coast of the nuclear power station in Fukushima has been contaminated with radioactivity. This is measured in becquerels.
First another very interesting anecdotal reference to history.
The becquerel is named after Lewis Becquerel who was the butler in the Curie's house. Interestingly enough he and Millie Sievert carried on a torrid affair under the very noses of the Curies for 15 years before being discovered in – shall we say – an indelicate position in a closet only because both of them glowed in the dark. Becquerel's job included bringing and removing water that the Curies used for bathing and other activities, hence its continued association with water even today!
Some example dose comparisons:
1 becquerel is equal to about 600 chest X-rays done all at once. Of course nobody gets that many X-rays all at once, so this comparison doesn't really help you, the layperson, understand what the implications of exposure are. A more easy-to-understand comparison would be to say that exposure to 1 becquerel would have the same effect as – say – dropping an anvil from a 10 story building onto your head.
Let's consider some of the other measurements we hear on the nightly news.
The nanogray is one measurement used at monitoring stations around the country. They are probably not using this measurement instead of the more common Millie Sievert to confuse the public.
First a little history about the nanogray. As everyone knows, the grays are the aliens with the big eyes that are seen coming from UFOs and abducting humans to conduct salacious invasions of their body orifices. Nano, of course, means very, very small, so putting these two together, we can understand that the monitors are measuring very, very small aliens. While this is an extremely important effort whose results should not be dismissed out of hand, it has almost nothing to do with radioactivity unless the nanograys are bringing it with them by passing through irradiated areas.
Finally, we need to discuss the REM. The REM has largely fallen out of favor in recent years, mostly because of its dated 1970's appearance. Like bell bottomed pants and platform shoes, fashions fade and nobody wants to be reminded of what they wore in those days, because they can't believe it themselves. Such it is with the REM. Nobody wants to be reminded that we used old-fashioned 1970s words like that.
Convenient comparisons:
Exposure to 1 REM of radioactivity has no effect on human females, but will instantly turn a man into Michael Jackson (if you get my drift).
I hope that this review of the language surrounding the nuclear news is helpful. I realize that my broad-stroke descriptions of these terms may not be immediately grasped by some of you (such is the nature of techno-explanations to laypeople), so do not hesitate to ask questions if you need clarification.
- - - - - - - - - -
For those of you who like to look at the data directly, check out this page:
http://xkcd.com/radiation/
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