The Expressway to Sainthood

I have been reading in the news lately about Pope John Paul II being on the "fast track" to sainthood.
Now THAT is a good "hood" to be in!
But leaving aside the burning questions that I know trouble all of you; namely, why couldn't he make up his mind about his name, and how is it possible that someone preceded him in this uncertainty, I want to address a very serious personal problem.
What will happen to ME after I die?
Usually, dying is something that "just happens"... like your car not starting in the morning.
We die; what a drag.
But imagine what it would mean if you could become a saint!
Being named a saint must bring with it all sorts of benefits in the afterlife. You get to cut to the front of the line at the buffet, for example, or maybe get a better spot by the pool for your lounge chair? You might even get discount coupons for the best restaurants, automatic upgrades from economy class, or other travel deals. And never mind the 72 virgins, right?!
Oh wait... that's that "other" religion.
But anyway, being a saint is definitely cool, and unlike people with unsaintlike names, "James" lends itself well to this position. I mean, there already IS a Saint James, so I could be Saint James the Second, fulfilling two dreams I have: one, becoming a saint, and two, having "the" in my name. Saint James definitely has a ring to it, unlike – say – Saint Ralph or Saint Bubba.
So what do I need to do to become a saint?
First, I need to be dead.
This is not the most attractive condition, but my instincts tell me that there might be some work-around to deal with this problem. In any case, I should take steps to clear the other hurdles first, so that a good case can be made on my behalf, and I too can be on the fast track to sainthood.
I even like the words "fast track". I am so ready for this!
What else do I need?
Apparently I need to demonstrate a "heroic life" in the here and now.
Well! I separate my garbage religiously into the many categories we have here in Seiro Town.
You think it's easy? We have to separate: plastics, styrofoam trays, glass, cans (washed), milk cartons (cut open and expanded), PET bottles, burnable trash, nonburnable stuff, batteries, big items, and compost (drained of liquids).
I think globally but act locally.
I ask you, did you ever see the Pope separating his garbage?
No!
Popes are too busy acting globally, cleaning up after their pedophile priests to dirty their hands with the nitty gritty of local existence.
Think about religious figures, Jesus for example. He seemed like the "separate-his-garbage" type of guy, certainly more than the "wear-fancy-dresses-and-live-in-the-Vatican" sort. So who is more heroic?
I am betting on me.
What else do I need to become a saint? Some miracles (at least two) need to be attributed to me.
That's a snap! As any of my teachers in high school will testify, it was an absolute MIRACLE that I graduated. One of my teachers, a Mr. F, who stamped my test paper with his hand dipped in red ink, will – I am sure – be willing to sign an affidavit to the miraculousness of my graduation.
In addition, there are a number of professors in the colleges (yes, plural) that I went to, who would also be happy to testify that it was indeed a MIRACLE that I graduated from college as well.
So, heroic life?
Check!
Two miracles?
Check!
What else do I need?
I only need a recommendation.
I am counting on all of you out there in readership land to send in the appropriate cards and letters when the time comes.
Saint James II. I like the sound of that. Indeed, since the Vatican is waiving the usual 5-year waiting period after death for Pope John Paul II, maybe we can get them to waive the death requirement too!
So repeat after me, "Santo Subito! Santo Subito! Santo Subito! "
Maybe I can be on the super fast track and get it before I die! If I do, I will remember all of you and bless you so that you too can get some benefits in the afterlife too! We can all get the cushier towels in the spa together!