The Patron Saint of.... Eewwww!

In an earlier post, I submitted that, along with former Pope John Paul II, I am well situated to be made a saint. Despite the lack of a groundswell of support for my candidacy, I have continued to look into saints and what sorts of things are expected of them in the hereafter.
One thing I have discovered is that a lot of saints become "patrons" in the afterlife. For you laypeople, this means that if you have a specific problem, say a bowel disorder, or if you are hypochondriac and want to be protected against a bowel disorder, you would pray to Saint Bonaventure of Bagnoregio. This saint would then intervene on your behalf with the Big Guy (in the sky).

Scenario:
You (on your knees in prayer): Dear Saint Bonaventure of Bagno... Bonnigori... um.. can I call you Saint Bonny Bag? Hey, listen, I have this awful pain in my bowels and a real problem with flatulence. At work today I was in this meeting? It seemed to go on forever, and the pain built up and built up and then I just HAD to let go. OMG! I don't think I have EVER expelled that much gas in one sitting! Usually the chair cushion absorbs most of it, but this time everyone else kinda looked at me funny... So anyway, if you are not busy, could you intervene on my behalf with God and get him to do something about this? Thank you so much.
Amen.

And that is not all! There is a saint for almost everything you can think of and some you can't. There are no fewer than three patron saints to intervene on your behalf when you come down with erysipelas. Drink a little too much at the party last night? You will be wanting to pray to Saint Bibiana, the patron saint of hangovers. There are also two patron saints to help out with your twitching problems: Bartholomew the Apostle and Cornelius. (WARNING: DO NOT READ SAINT BARTHOLOMEW'S PROFILE IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH!)
You think the patrons are there just for your illnesses? No! There are patrons galore — for every conceivable aspect of our mortal existence. Are your children backward? No problem! You pray to Saint Hilary of Poitiers. You feel uncomfortable because your parents were not married? Take it up with one of three saints who can... who can...hmmm... not sure WHAT they can do, actually.
Not only humans, but even our cetacean fellow earthlings have a patron saint in Brendan the Navigator. If you know any whales, please pass this information along to them.

Scenario:
Whale: Dear Saint Brendan... I never should have gone to that all-you-can-eat restaurant last night... I know... I have sinned AGAIN! But what can I do? Bubba and Ralph insisted I go to the mall with them... And could you put in a word for me with Saint Bibiana? I drank way too much Budweiser too. Thanks.
Amen.

Then recently in the news, the head (yes, the literal head!) of the patron saint of genital diseases is coming up for sale! Here is your chance to own a little bit of saint history! Plus, imagine the security you will feel with Saint Vitalis of Assisi's head on your mantelpiece. Your lovers will be impressed too, I am sure!
So I am wondering. What could I be the patron saint of in the afterlife. I would definitely want to be the patron saint of something cool like hang glider pilots or astronauts, but it seems that we don't really get to choose. What a drag to be the patron saint of something gross like goiters. All I can do is pray. Who is the patron saint of saint wannabes?