Today's subject is delicate, but as a public service, I would like to pass along this important health information. Nobody needs to suffer in silence any longer.
Let's listen to a first person report of how traumatic this can be and a researcher's presentation on the subject.
Interview
Sharon (not her real name): Is the mike on?
Researcher: Yes, Sharon, please go on... tell us about your ordeal.
S: Well, the other night my husband, George, and I went over to my former, college roommate's house for dinner? Her name is Tiffany. She had her boss and some people from her company over for dinner, and invited us too, since we are old friends.
Tiffany is nice enough, but she always thinks she is such a great cook and all? But really she's not. She made some...oh... Her husband, Bruce, was there too ... He's kind of cute... Anyway... (You know, I have heard that they really don't get along anymore? Susan, another friend from college, said that they haven't had sex for months!)
R: Yes... and can you tell us about YOUR problem?
S: What?
R: The "problem" you wanted to tell us about?
S: Ohhh! Yes.... so anyway, Tiffany brings out these horse ovaries? It was like little crackers with...
R: Horse ovaries?
S: Yes, that's French for appetizers, apparently. I don't speak French, though I studied Spanish in high school... oh my god, the teacher... what WAS his name... Juan or something... he was SUCH a doll...
R: Appetizers... OK, so Tiffany made them?
S: Yes! Some soft cheesy stuff on crackers? And I ate them... actually they were not too bad... not like the last time when she made this dip out of tuna fish and whalapeeno peppers... oh my god! It was like SO awful... George, my hubby, ate one of them and almost had a heart attack, it was so bad. HAHAHAHA!! Tiffany is such a....
R: Yes... yes... so what about the appetizers?
S: What?
Oh! Yes... so I ate several of those crackery things. But no sooner did I eat them than I started to feel really uncomfortable.
R: Can you describe the discomfort for us please?
S: Well, my stomach bloated up like a freaking watermelon! I am not kidding about this. And it kept getting bigger and bigger... My husband, George (who NEVER notices ANYTHING about me), even asked about it! So, I didn't know what to do. The pressure... you would NOT believe!
R: So what happened.
S: I was so ashamed....
R: I know this is painful, but could you tell us in your own words what happened next?
S: Well... eventually I could not hold in the pressure anymore, so I told Tiffany ... and Bruce... Bruce is her husband... He's really cute...
R: You told her WHAT?!
S: Yes? ... oh... yes... I told her that I needed to use the "powder room", but as I got up from my seat... I swear... I had no idea... maybe it was the sudden lifting off of the weight or something? But anyway, the pressure was suddenly gone and I .... oh my...
R: You ... um... released something?
S: Yes... I let this big gas thing... it was horrible.... and there simply was no way to hide it... the noise and all. EVERYONE looked at me. I was SO humiliated. So Bruce, my husband... NO! Sorry... ha ha... Bruce is Tiffany's husband... ha ha...
So George, my husband, told me I should go see a doctor, so I did. And she told me I had IBS.
Researcher: IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This can strike anyone at any time. What a terrible thing to experience when you least expect it! You need to watch your diet to avoid this becoming a blight on your life. Here is what to avoid:
1. Basically all fruit.
2. Pretty much all vegetables too.
3. Cereals and grains? Forget them. And don't even LOOK at pasta!
4. Dairy? Nuh uh.
5. Beans and whatever? Forget about them too.
All of these contain disaccharides and other things which cause your bowels to knot up and produce apocalyptic quantities of gas!
The only thing that is not on the list is meat. So eat a lot of meat, and you will feel better soon.
Let's check in on Sharon and see what she did.
Interview continues
R: So what did you do to deal with this embarrassing problem?
S: Oh my god! Tiffany had a HUGE fit... she said I totally ruined her whole relationship with her boss (I think they have something going on... but don't tell her I said so...), and she completely stopped talking to me!
R: Yes, yes.... but what did you DO to cure this problem?
S: Oh! Yes! I looked it up on the internet, and it seems that I need to eat more meat. So I have been making burgers and steaks every night.
But you know? Bruce... Tiffany's husband? He was so sweet. He sent me an email telling me that he thought Tiffany had gone a little too far with being upset and all? I mean... passing out and everything? Now... I think that was all a fake! Anyway, HE said he would like to make it up to me, so we are meeting for lunch on Wednesday at that BBQ place on 1st. All meat! I think everything will work out fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, Sharon. Do you have any final advice for others who might be plagued by IBS like you were?
S: Oh yes! First... never ever eat any of Tiffany's horse ovaries. Oh my god... you will blow up and die! Next, stick to a diet of high protein...meat and stuff. You will be fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing this traumatic experience with us so that others can benefit from your experience.
S: It was my pleasure!
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