Let's Resolve Your New Year

It's that important time again, the New Year, a time to reflect and reform, to make a new and even better you.
Lose that weight, cut back on that booze, be a better spouse, try to be a more responsive staff member for your cats. All of these are personally important goals that we can set for ourselves as we face the New Year, but what scientists are finding is that if OTHER people set your goals, you might be more likely to achieve them!
In that spirit, I would like to offer a potpourri of New Year's Resolutions to others, so that they can finally realize their dream of achieving something in the New Year!

To Kim Jong Un
Now that you are the "Great Leader" of North Korea you will have time to back away from the feeding trough and use the thigh master more! Don't be afraid to express your inner thinness. Especially now that everyone in your country is small and thin, you will want to identify with them more. You don't want to be TOO passionate for your country, however, as this might lead to infidelity and other personal problems.

To the Republican Party
Figure out some way to reconcile your hatred of government power with your tendency to want to use government power to tell people how they should live their lives (women and gay people in particular). We find this characteristic irritating. (we =me)

To Ron Paul
Fuhgeddaboudit...
really.
The nation is not calling.

To the whole country of North Korea
Get someone to nominate your nation for an Academy Award! I have never witnessed such acting as I saw on the death of Kim Il Sung! Awesome! (The guy in the front row looked like he might have been laughing actually... but great cast and super acting overall!)

To Japanese "Research" whalers
I still say there are good hunting grounds off American beaches. Resolve to cull some great white whales! They are not an endangered species.

To Monotheistic Religion Believers
Freedom of religion also means freedom FROM it, OK?
So all you evangelical Christians, and Taliban, and Creationists, and Haredi Jews and Intelligent Designers, and mullahs? Keep all your "precious religion" in your heart where it belongs and leave the rest of us alone! For many of us, the degree of your fervor is in inverse proportion to how believable you are.
Thank you.
(If you really HAVE to spread your "word", spread it among the groups mentioned above, OK? All you evangelical Christians should head off to Pakistan and try to convert the Taliban. It would be helpful to everyone, I am sure. You have the faith to do that, right?)

To myself (since nobody else is offering ideas for me)
Finally purge the last of the Christmas songs from your brain.
Whoever wrote "The Little Drummer Boy" should be banished.
Just a suggestion.
(I just heard she is dead, so my apologies for thinking she should be simply banished. She should be dug up and banished.)

And one more to myself
Stop being such a curmudgeon.

Happy New Year everyone! I really wish all of you the best for a happy and healthy 2012.
And not to put an immediate damper on your good feeling, but apparently according to the Mayan Calendar the world will end on my birthday this year 12/21/12. Something we can all look forward to.
No need to buy me presents, by the way.