Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about the death of Dear Leader, Kim Il Sung in North Korea, and the accession to the throne by his youngest son, Son of Kim, or as they call him, Great Successor.
The weeping and wailing in the streets after Dear Leader's death involved such great acting that I believe a new category should be opened for the Academy Awards, Best National Acting Award. North Korea would win hands down, not only for the mourning, but even for simple things like the news presentations.
Despite this incredible achievement, it seems that some citizens were not playing their roles up to the levels demanded by their government and will be punished for their failures. Not only that, the North Korean government has come down hard on surrounding nations for their unwillingness to pretend they were sad to see Kim Il Sung depart for his reward.
South Korea came in for a special lambasting. How could their fellow Koreans not be heart broken by the passing of father Kim, the Dear Dear Leader? Also Japan, the perennial object of intense North Korean hatred, was criticized for its lack of an expression of sorrow on his death. Never mind that Kim was behind the abduction of Japanese citizens for many years, the Japanese government at least should express its grief at his passing.
At the leadership level in North Korea, deciding on how to present the death of Kim the Elder to the people and also how to raise up Kim the Younger in their eyes is a major challenge. When your country's population is starving and oppressed, you need to use the correct vocabulary to make things right!
My spies have been very active of late and have provided me with a transcript of just one such meeting in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.
Jang Song taek (Kim the Younger's uncle): OK everyone, we need to work out some details about Dear Leader's death.
Kim Jong un (Kim the Younger): Where did daddy keep the bon-bons? I want some of those bon-bons! When I was little I remember coming into this office and he would...
Jang: Will you shut up! You blubber puss! We are trying to work out some important details here and all you can think about is food!
General Kim Yong chun: First of all we need some natural events that heralded his death... any ideas?
Premier Choe: How about something on holy Mt. Paektu?
Jang: Excellent idea. OK, we will have the sky glow red.
Gen. Kim: That's a good start, but how about a fierce snowstorm too?
Jang: Great! A fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red!
Prem. Choe: Then the ice cracked on the lake!
Jang: This is really good. OK, here is what we will put out. There was a fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red and the ice on the lake cracked with a roar. Is that OK?
Gen. Kim: Perfect! How about some birds or other animals doing something?
Jang: OK. Hmmm... how about some magpies.
Prem. Choe: Yeah, let's have hundreds of them hovering over the statue of Kim Il Sung in mourning.
Jang: Good idea. And how about adding a crane bowing its head in mourning too?
Prem. Choe: That is just brilliant!
Jang: So Kim Il sung was the Great Leader, and Kim Jong il was Dear Leader... let's move on to what to call this this bloated pig from now on?
Kim Jong un: I am NOT that fat! You can't call me a bloated pig! I won't allow it! Daddy put ME in charge now, so I will not allow this sort of insult to me!
Jang: Shut up and sit down!
And stop sucking your thumb like that; you'll make yourself bucktoothed as well.
Gen. Kim: Well... since we called his grandfather and father "Something" Leader, how about a title with Leader in it?
Prem. Choe: Hmm... Revered Leader?
Jang: Nah... how about Humongous Leader! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(laughter all around)
Stop pouting you pig, or I will cut off your cream puff supply.
Gen. Kim: Great Successor!
Jang: Perfect! OK we will go with that for now. Great Successor and a great person born of heaven.
(sound of eyes rolling)
Gen. Kim: We in the military will release a statement saying that we would all be willing to die in the defense of the fat toad. HAHAHAHA!
Leave it to me. I will come up with something good.
Jang: OK, I guess that wraps it up for now. Any other business or questions?
Kim Jong un: I'm hungry... what's for lunch?
Jang: I am putting you on a diet one of these days, I swear it. We had to struggle to get you through the hatch of that tank we filmed you in the other day. If you get any fatter, Japanese research whalers will be after you. HAHAHAHAHA!
(laughter all around)
Meeting adjourned!
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