Monday, April 2, 2012

Thou Shalt Not Eat This

If you live in Japan as a foreigner, you know that whenever you go to a local pub or bar, the other customers will try to challenge your ability to eat Japanese "delicacies". Some of these "delicacies" look like lab specimens, many of which are looking back up at you, as if to say, "I don't think so."

Scenario
Japanese customer sitting next to you: Oh my! You speak such good Japanese!
You: Not really... I can't understand much of what you are saying.
JC: Ha! Ha! Ha! Where are you from?
You: Er... America....
JC: Ah! Big country! Do you like Japanese food?
You (knowing what's coming): Yes, I love it!
JC: Really? Do you know ____ (fill in the blank weird food)?
You: Yes... I had that for breakfast this morning...
JC: Ha! Ha! Well the ____ (fill in the blank weird food) is a specialty around here... I am sure you didn't have AUTHENTIC ____ (fitbwf).
You: Er... it seemed really authentic to me... I mean it was still moving and all.... Is that no good?
JC: HA! NO! You need to eat OUR ____ (fitbwf)! It's the best.
(to the bar owner) One order of ____ (fitbwf) for our American friend here!
You: Oh... thank you so much.. but I did have this for breakfast, so I am kinda full and all......
JC: NONSENSE! When you taste our local ____ (fitbwf), you will be amazed at how different it is!
Now, if you bite the heads off first, they won't wiggle so much in your stomach.

So you do start to wonder. Why DO people eat this weird stuff?
Take "fugu", blowfish. Parts of it are so toxic that it is 1200 times more poisonous than arsenic. One bite and you're sleeping with the fishes. How did that get started? When the first person eating it died, wouldn't they quit trying?

Scenario: 3000 years ago on a beach in Japan
Fisherman Taro: Whoa! Look at THIS one! It puffs up into a ball! (poking it with a stick) Hey cutie... What do YOU taste like?
Fisherman Gō: Cool. Hey, the fire's going good, let's put it on a stick and roast it.
Fisherman Saburo: Good idea! Let me gut it. We can have it with salt. It definitely LOOKS good.
(later)
Saburo: It looks done. Here, why don't you have the first taste, Taro?
Taro: (biting into it) Wow! It's incredibly good. Such a light and delica . . . . . . . .
Gō: Taro? Why are you twitching on the ground like that?
Saburo: Hmm... weird... Do you think it was something in the fish? It looked OK to me.
Gō: I don't know. It sure smelled good. Here, let me have a bite of that.... Hmm... seems fine to me. Maybe he just had an allergic. . . . . . . . . .
Saburo: Gō? Why are you twitching on the ground like that?

So what do you think? Saburo would go on and eat the fish?
And that's not all. What about hakarl. I am sure most of you have never even heard of it, but it is considered an exquisite delicacy of Iceland. Here is a recipe for this delightful appetizer, but in short, it involves letting shark meat putrefy in the ground for months and when it smells sharply of ammonia, you hang it out to "cure" for months. Yum yum! You do have to be careful not to let it rot, however. I haven't looked up the etymology of the word "hakarl" but it sounds like the sound you would make after eating it.

Scenario
Sven: (to American tourist, Ralph) Here is some of my family's homemade hakarl. I put it down last year in November!
Ralph: So it's like a preserved product? (and hopefully) Like a fruit jam or canned peaches?
Sven: Nay! It is putrefied shark meat. I buried it here under all this gravel last November. Then I hung it out to cure. It's like your beef jerky! Yes! Your beef jerky!
Ralph: Er... we don't actually bury the cow and let it putrefy when we make beef jerky....
Sven: Small detail. Here, try some.
Ralph: OMG! It smells like industrial restroom cleaner!
Sven: Ha ha ha! Taste it, the flavor is delicious! Just pop the whole chunk into your mouth.
Ralph: (popping the whole chunk into his mouth) Blurble! Urk! Ha... Hak...HAKARL!!!!!
Sven: Are you OK? Come back out of the bushes there.... have a little more of my hakarl. You should have quickly washed it down with this brennivín (a nasty drink also referred to as Black Death).
Or how about rhubarb, which I love? Did you know the leaves and roots are toxic and have a very powerful laxative effect? It has been used in traditional Chinese medicine for this purpose for centuries. So you have to wonder, how we got around to making rhubarb pies.

Scenario
Chinese farmer Wen: What is this plant growing here along the river? Such a beautiful leaf and red stem! I think it must be edible. Didn't Auntie Wei say it was one of the edible plants here?
Brother Qin: Yes... I think she DID say that! Let's pick some and take it home and make a stir fry with it.
Wen: Good idea!
(later)
It turns out NOT to have been such a good idea, so they decide that it can be used as a laxative.
Many years later....
Marco Polo: What is this interesting plant?
Guide: We call that 大黄. It is a traditional medicinal plant which causes you to... er... badly need to go to the toilet.
Marco Polo: Cool! Let's make a pie out of it. Mario! Get some sugar and let's make a pie out of this vegetable. Get some cinnamon. Does Luigi have any nutmeg left from getting high on it last night? I am sure the pie will be delicious!
Mario: But... he just said... about going to the toilet?
Marco: Never mind! We ARE explorers, aren't we? We bravely eat what nobody has ever eaten before. And anyway, it couldn't possibly be worse than those raw eyeballs in Turfan. Yuck.

So many odd items.
How about castor beans (for castor oil) with the poison ricin? One bean will kill a human being; four beans will kill a horse. Almonds contain deadly quantities of cyanide and have to be specially prepared to prevent people from getting poisoned. And on and on, the mysteries of our human experience.

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