Potty Nanny

If you are like me, you probably muddle along in life, trying to figure out what is going on with the precious little information available to you.
Yes, it's true that some countries are better at being helpful than others. In Japan, for example, public steps are taken on a routine basis to ensure that citizens get the information they need to live happier and less accident prone lives. Riding commuter trains in any big city, for example, you can hear or see announcements exhorting you to:
"Hold onto the escalator handrail and stand within the yellow lines on each step."
"Hold your child's hand while riding the escalator."
"Stand behind the yellow line on the platform."
"Your cell phone may adversely affect those with medical devices such as pace-makers. Please turn off your phone." (Nobody does)
"The trains are very crowded, please prepare to disembark well before the train arrives at your station."
"Watch your step as you disembark the train."
"Please take all of your belongings with you when you leave the train."
"Please do not talk on your cellphone except in the designated areas."
"No pets."
And so on.
Despite these worthwhile efforts, however, there are a lot of "grey areas" where average laymen, like me, find it difficult to make decisions about which path to take down the trail of life.
Imagine my delight then to stumble upon this news! In a nutshell, scientists, in their ever eager desire to make a better tomorrow, have developed a talking urinal cake. For you ladies out there ("ladies" = women who don't know what a urinal cake is), a urinal cake is a round cake of deodorant that is put in the bottom of urinals, where men pee in restrooms as opposed to out in the bushes or other unauthorized places.
This talking urinal cake says, in a woman's voice, helpful things like, "Hey, listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!" and then goes on to suggest that maybe you have had too many drinks and might need a designated driver. The urinal cake, unfortunately, does not go the next step and actually offer to BE the designated driver, but the mere suggestion to the inebriated urinater is hoped to be enough.
Leaving aside the side effects of such a device...

Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing): Oh my god... that malt liquor goes right THROUGH me ... whew... ahhhh....
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (looking around and peeing outside the urinal): What the...? Damn, did I go into the wrong restroom? I am sorry ladies.... damn. No wait.... there ain't no urinals in the ladies room! Ha ha ha ha! Oops... damn... all over the wall! (giggles and improves his aim).
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (staggering back and peeing on the floor, his own shoes and pants cuffs): Oh my god! I am starting to hear things! I need a drink BAD! (he staggers back into the bar)

... the developers may be onto something.

As a first step, these devices should not be limited to the men's room. Of course, the women's toilet always has water in it, so it cannot be activated in the same way as the urinal cake. Instead the toilet seat itself could be the activating mechanism.

Scenario: Woman in restroom
Woman (sitting on toilet): Whew... I thought I was going to pop in that meeting...
Toilet seat: Hey, sweetie. I noticed when you sat down, you depressed every one of my sensors, basically enveloping me. Maybe you want to cut out that bag of chips in the afternoon when you watch TV?
Woman: . . . . . . . . .

Or why should we stop there? One-way suggestions from mechanical devices are so last century! Interactive is the buzz word for today. You could incorporate the interactivity of your iPhone's Siri into the urinal cake!

Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing and crying): Oh man... I am such a loser... all those beautiful women out there and not one... NOT ONE of them even gives me a second glance...
Urinal cake: Hey! Let me ask you a question, OK?
Drunk (looking around): Huh? OK....
Urinal cake: Can you actually SEE your wiener over your beer belly there?
Drunk (checking): Well... uh.... no, but I can FEEL it?
Urinal cake: That's your reason. Have a nice day.

Think about the other possibilities. Most people probably spend 15 minutes a day using the restroom facilities or 456 hours per year. If you consider that the average therapy session is one hour, perhaps one time a week, you can see that an interactive toilet device could be deployed in a psychiatric role to good effect.

Scenario: Toilet therapy
Toilet: So... tell me, Walter, after our last session, how did you feel? Were you better able to understand your wife's reaction to your neoprene fetish?
Walter: Well... I thought about it, of course, but I just don't understand why she is so down on this important part of my character!
Toilet: Maybe you should go back to regular sheets and pillow cases? Perhaps the sudden change was too much for her. I certainly think that changing to cotton clothing would not be a bad thing to try. It IS your marriage, after all.
Walter: I will have to think about that... see you later after lunch.
Toilet: See you Walter. Don't forget to put the toilet seat back down and to wash your hands before leaving the restroom.

I am sure that inventive scientists can come up with even more applications for this exciting new technology. After all every home has at least one toilet and restaurants, shopping centers, stores, stadiums and almost every other place have thousands more right in your neighborhood. Perhaps the toilets could even be adapted to detect your DNA and send you a very personal message. It will be a brave new world indeed!

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