I am an equal opportunity offender.
The doctrines of any religion reveal a lot about its inner sexual psychology. The celibacy and exclusion of women in the Catholic Church's priesthood cannot help but attract a "certain kind" of man. We have seen a lot of what those "certain kinds" of men have been doing in their positions of late.
The doctrine of fundamentalist Islam also reveals a lot about believers' psychology. Haven't you ever wondered about the 72 virgins that jihadist martyrs are supposed to get when they ascend to heaven (actually it is any male believer)?
There are so many unanswered questions!
Where do these virgins come from?
What do they look like?
Why is it so important that they be virgin; wouldn't a more experienced... um... heavenly hostess have an enhanced appeal?
In the interest of edification, I have done some research into this topic and can present to you the definitive answer to these questions.
All of the answers come directly from Qur'anic or related sources.
First of all, I am sure you are curious about what these virgins look like!
Since women in many Muslim countries are required to cover themselves to the point that they look indistinguishable from moving yard-waste bags, one cannot help but wonder what imaginations Muslim men must have about paradise (yes, it is all men).
The virgins will have "wide and lovely eyes like pearls". Of course, most pearls I have seen don't make such great looking eyes, but – hey – whatever floats your boat, right?
Not only that, the virgins will be "hairless except the eye brows and the head". This makes me wonder if waxing is popular in Muslim countries! If not, there's a good business opportunity for you there.
The virgins will be "voluptuous" with "large, round breasts which are not inclined to hang". (see picture from Islamic website). The virgins will be "beautiful" (of course), "white skinned" (starting to see a prejudice here...), "eternally young", and – somewhat mysteriously – "companions of equal age". Equal age to whom? The dead guy? What if he was 90?*
But wait, there's more!
The virgins will be "transparent to the marrow of their bones". This may mean that all you could see is the marrow of their bones, or that you cannot see the virgins at all; neither of which ties in well with "beautiful".
They will also be quite large (no, I am not making this up). They will stand 27.5 meters tall (60 cubits) and will be 3.2 meters (7 cubits) in width. This is getting into nightmare territory for me, but we should respect their religious beliefs, right?
What about their all-important sexual attributes?
Well, obviously they are virgins, but not only that, they remain virgins even AFTER sex with the guy that gets them! Yes, their hymens are "unbroken by sexual intercourse", kind of like a self-sealing fuel tank on a fighter jet.
Born again virgins! How cool is that?
Clearly the unbroken hymen is the definition of "virgin" in the Muslim world. If a woman has sex repeatedly but still manages to preserve the hymen, no problem! Do they then "service" the next group of ascending men? Maybe there are ONLY 72 "virgins"!
The virgins will also have "appetizing vaginas" (no, I am really not making this up). Yum yum!
But – hey – it cannot be all about sex; get real! No, these virgins have personalities! We cannot just think of them as sex objects; where HAVE you been?
What about their personalities? The Qur'an reveals that despite their lusty appearance and eagerness for sex, they are "chaste" and "restrain their glances" and when they do look at you, they have a "modest gaze".
They also are "pure". I am not sure what "pure" means when describing a virgin who has repeated sex with someone, but who am I to judge, right?
The virgins also do not menstruate (maybe they are guys?). They do not pee, nor do they poop (this could lead to serious health problems later on). AND they will never bear a child (sounds like a guy to me).
Finally, the virgins are never dissatisfied. So no matter how inadequate you may feel here in this life – you pathetic weeny with major sexual insecurities, you – the virgins will fluff you up to feel better about yourself!
My feeling is that instead of the drones dropping bombs on the benighted Taliban in Pakistan and Afghanistan, they should drop information about the virgins.
"DO YOU WANT THIS?!" with a picture of a huge, transparent being with only bone marrow showing. It would cut the jihad off at the knees.
Of course there is the alternative translation to all of the above which is that the dead male would get 72 white raisins upon his ascent into heaven (no, I am not making that up either). Somehow, the white raisins seem less inspiring for a soldier of Islam. I mean, on the one hand – virgins (even kind of creepy, HUGE ones), and on the other – raisins. Which would YOU die for?
This all reminds me of a joke I heard which you also probably know.
The jihadist is killed in combat and ascends expectantly to heaven. He enters the pearly gates (or whatever they are in Islamic mythology) and is immediately confronted by George Washington who kicks him in the teeth, knocking him to the ground. His face bloodied, he looks up in bewilderment only to see Thomas Jefferson coming up from behind. Jefferson kicks him in the nuts. Then Robert E. Lee appears, and he stomps the fallen jihadist in the stomach several times. The jihadist is perplexed and cries out in anguish, "Why?"
To which Washington replies, "It was Virginians, you fool, not virgins! Hey, Ella (Fitzgerald), do you want to have go at him too?"
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* I looked this up separately, and apparently it means that the virgins will all be of an age. Sorry about the distraction.
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