The Chinese mean business now. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
A Chinese military official has laid it all out. America is no longer the Paper Tiger of the Mao era; oh no! It is a real Global Tiger and Japan is its Running Dog.... oops... dated expression... um... Wolf. Australia, a kind-hearted Lamb (take THAT you macho Aussies!), is warned not to side with the Tiger and the Wolf against China (a Panda?) in the struggle to identify who actually owns the Senkaku Islands (the Pandas call them the Diaoyu Islands).
The Global Tiger and the Wolf are "madly biting China", according to the Colonel in the Chinese army. Poor China. One hopes they don't catch something from all that biting.
What if the Kind-Hearted Lambs should side with the Wolf and the Tiger? The Panda will assert its claim to parts of Australia no doubt, based on some historical claim of having sent ships there before anyone arrived from Europe.
They will issue another statement, "The Panda claim to the southern continents is proven in history. There is nothing to discuss. The southern continent is an irrevocable part of Pandaland. We claim them along with all of the seas between our mainland and our southern territories of what is called Australia today."
The Global Tiger, on the other hand, might say, "We support the Kind-Hearted Lambs in their desire to remain free and independent of Panda domination, but we also wish they would be less lamby and more tigery about this.... just saying."
The Wolf (Japan, in case you have not been paying attention) would say, "While recognizing the rights of Pandas and Lambs to live in harmony around the world, we Wolves insist on the right of most animals to live in peace whenever possible and if not, to try to work it out among themselves and bring new awakenings that might turn to our general advantage in our common will and striving for world acceptance."
The Global Tiger would respond to this new initiative by the Wolves by saying, "Huh?"
And – naturally – the Pandas would throw a hissy-fit claiming, "Wolf attempts at regional hegemony will be met by the strong and inviolable determination of all Pandas everywhere to prevent a repeat of historical mistakes!" They would encourage Panda riots in the streets in Pandaland and the unavoidable trashing and closure of Wolf stores and embassies.
The Wolves would respond with uncommon sternness, "Events in Pandaland have taken on a character of their own and established a momentum that can only lead to a fundamental revocation and arrangement from the world of nations, fostering a general disadvantage in the climate among these nations and a decrease in the positive atmosphere of general development.... among nations... or between them.... and retroactively."
This would clearly be a provocation to the Pandas who would send "research" vessels into Wolf waters to prove that not only the little islands but also the big islands of Okinawa Prefecture are an inviolable part of Panda territory.
The Wolves would respond by sternly announcing in their Parliament that "vessels from other countries, entering Wolf waters should be aware that we are prepared to take strong measures against them; such as taking video of them for the evening news, exposing their perfidy to the world."
Escalating the tensions, the Pandas would send fishing boats to expose the imperialist and adventurist ambitions of the Wolves who are running dogs of the capitalist Global Tigers, and the Wolves would respond gravely by complaining, "Intrusion by alien vessels into our waters will not be tolerated unless we can determine where they are from and ascertain that they might be on course for other places and unless they have radar that might be locked onto our vessels or weapons systems that look scary."
The Pandas for their part have clearly been feeling local pressures – they ARE an endangered species after all – and what could be better to alleviate their domestic pressures than to lay claim to major chunks of the rest of the world? Lebensraum for Pandas!
Those Pandas, so cute when they get riled up!
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