The New Killer

As we age, we become increasingly aware of our human frailties and worry more about our health. Conversations with friends change from talking about politics and whether Sarah Palin is an exceptional moron or just an ordinary one to in-depth discussions of the ailing parts of our bodies.

Scenario:
A: Hi! How's it going?
B: Good! How 'bout you?
A: Yeah, not bad, but I have this skin problem these days. Can you see it?
B: Umm...
A: Look! These little patches of itchy skin? Here... and here? And look... even on my legs and buttocks! Sometimes I scratch them so much they start bleeding and then I have to put bandaids on them!
B: Oh... yeah... Did you see a doctor about it?
A: Yeah, she gave me some medicine, but it doesn't seem to work.
B: I hear praying to Saint Bartholomew might help.
A: I am not a Catholic, but what do I have to lose?

And on and on.
Most of these health problems don't directly involve us; our friends suffer alone. But there is one problem which – like second-hand smoke – can be a real killer.
Of course, I am talking about snoring.
Yes, snoring can cause other people in the room with you to not only lose sleep but also to have elevated blood pressure and other health problems. The health risks to people living with a snorer have been compared to living next to an airport. Your health can be affected by a snoring person nearby!

Scenario:
You are at a long and boring meeting and Prof. K (names have been deleted to avoid public humiliation) starts snoring. Your blood pressure goes up and you realize that his snoring is depriving YOU of sleep! You kick him under the table and he awakes with a snort.

But what about people in your own home who are snoring at night when you are trying to get some much needed rest? You can't be kicking them several times a night; you need a more permanent solution.
In the interests of promoting a healthy lifestyle, I have gathered together 10 snoring remedies from around the world and offer them here.

1. Pray to the patron saint of respiratory problems.
2. One website recommends having you stitch a tennis ball into the back of a snorer's pajamas to prevent him from sleeping on his back. This is helpful, but surgically implanting the tennis ball might be more effective in difficult cases.
3. Putting the tennis ball into the snorer's mouth is also a practical interim solution.
4. There are exercises a snorer can do while awake, to lessen the chance of sounding like the 747 taking off in his partner's ear at night. Most of the exercises involve activities, such as pronouncing vowels loudly that might make people around him think he has gone off the deep end. Getting committed to a mental hospital will solve the problem for the bed partner, but will only make life difficult for other people in the institution.
5. Another site suggests that a swollen turbinate may be a cause of loud snoring. Disconnecting the turbinate before going to bed and putting it back into the car where it belongs could be a simple step towards achieving a good night's sleep.
6. Age has been proven to be a factor in the development of loud snoring habits; older folk tend to snore more than young people. The trick here is to not allow the snorer to get old. Bludgeon him to death with a baseball bat when he keeps you up late at night with his snoring.
7. Clear nasal passages are also cited as being important in controlling snoring. When your partner snores loudly at night, attach the vacuum cleaner to his nose to make sure those passages are completely clear.
8. Moist bedroom air might also help in controlling snoring. Placing humidifiers in the room before going to bed (and retiring to your own, dry room away from the damp humidity) could help to keep the volume down.
9. Encouraging the snorer to sing may be helpful in strengthening the muscles of the throat and surrounding areas thus reducing the risk of snoring. Of course, listening to him singing, "That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, uh huh uh huh, that's the way, uh huh uh huh..." etc. all day might be worse than the snoring. It definitely qualifies as grounds for divorce in my book.
10. Finally, medical intervention through Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP), a bedside machine which blows pressurized air into a mask that a snorer wears over his nose or face might help. Of course, this also blows him up like a balloon, so you need to be careful about sharp implements and removing the mask too quickly.
Hopefully these useful suggestions will be enough to break the snoring habit and bring peace and tranquility to your bedroom. It will be less Dreamliner and more happy dream.