Post-Apocalypse Destinations

My friends are so alert.
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which  are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available.  Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love  Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street. 
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered

Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell  Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street. 
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!