Three Ways Not to Appear Senile

I have written important advice here for other seniors on how to make the most of our declining years: mental health tips, for example, or more importantly, five ways not to be dead. So today too, I would like to continue this contribution to society and write about how not to appear senile.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.

Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over?  I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...

So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.

Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?

Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.

Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.

2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.

Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?

You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.

Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.

3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".

Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?

There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.

Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.

I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.