Pterosaurish Sees a Psychiatrist

A true journalist is always willing to take risks and "put himself out there" to push back the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding. Exposing myself... wait... that didn't come out right... revealing intimate details about my psyche is only a small step that I can take in quality journalism. Below you will read my conversation with my psychiatrist. Since it is my own session, I do not violate any laws involving confidentiality.
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Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish?  Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me:  Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?

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*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.