Mental Health Tips for Seniors

Today we are going to talk about health issues again, specifically senior forgetfulness. This is an inevitable aspect of aging, so it doesn't hurt to be alert to its development while you are still in control of most of your faculties.
We all have those "senior moments" when we go into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and stand there, wondering why the laundry detergent is in the fridge. Then we take it out and wander through the living room, finally noticing that we are carrying the laundry detergent around.
This can only mean one thing!
We had been planning to do the laundry!
So we head to the laundry room and open the washer and wonder why the cottage cheese is in the washer!
It's "silver moments" like these that make us realize we are getting old. There are steps you can take, however, to defer this aging of the mind, and this is where I come in with 10 helpful hints to sharpen your mind and prevent forgetfulness.

1. It's easy to be distracted as you age. We start a story and then get completely hung up on someone's name, or the name of a movie or something, when these have nothing to do with the story we are trying to tell.
Scenario:
Senior Moment Person: Oh! I saw this really cool movie that portrays EXACTLY what you were talking about, psychic healing! One of the actors is on death row and he has this special power to heal people by sort of sucking out their bad vibes? And the main actor who is a guard in the prison wants him to help save the warden's ill wife. So the main actor... what was his name? Tom something... no... Hank... Hank Cruise... no... that's not it... let's see... he was also in that other movie... and got the Academy Award? Something... Bump... or Trump...
And on and on until the listeners drift off to sleep or leave on vacation to Hawaii only to come back a week later to find the poor senior still trying to remember who was in the movie.
So... what was I talking about?
Oh! Right.
It's important not to be distracted.
So you need to develop some pneumatic devices to help you remember. No... not pneumatic... numismatic devices. These will trigger the important memory so that you can retrieve it when you want to. So what kind of numismatic devices are we talking about here?
Wait... it's not numismatic... that is coin collecting. It was pneumonic!
So anyway... you need to make some pneumonic devices that will help you recollect the important things. For example, let's say you need to remember someone's name. You are at a party at a colleague's house and you don't want to forget the name of the hostess. Her name is Susan Fudge. This could be difficult to remember, so you need to attach a pneumonic device to her name so that when you think of the pneumonic device it will trigger...
No wait... it isn't pneumonic! That is related to lungs and stuff, like pneumonia. What WAS that word?! It's something like pneumonic or numismatic, sort of in between those two. Now that I think of it, it might be closer to that word for stamp collectors. What was that word? Something like philanthropist... philthropirest... phlampesterist... Ok, I need to look it up on-line.
It's philatelist! I am glad we got that cleared up.

2. It's important not to talk continuously about the past. Granted, we older people don't have such a promising future, but nonetheless, nobody wants to hear us drone on and on about something that happened 50 years ago that we think is interesting but has nothing to do with the conversation going on around us in the here and now.
Nobody wants to hear anecdotes about how we smoked a lot of dope in the '60s but it didn't affect our memories AT ALL, and how we quit smoking and suffered no ill effects. Although... we DID know this one guy who smoked a lot of dope back then – I am talking like several times a day. Basically he was stoned all the time. And how his mind was pretty much fried even when he was in college. But now that I think about it, he did go on to get a job in the Defense Department as an instructor or something. No, not an instructor, he was working as a counselor for Defense Department employees or something like that. So it just goes to show....

3. Everyone has had the experience of "losing" something like the car keys or reading glasses, only to have them turn up in the most obvious places, like the freezer. The way to solve this problem is to religiously put these things in exactly the same place every time. Of course, trying to remember where THAT place is can be challenging at times. So you need to have a...

4. Mnemonic! That was the word! Mnemonic! Mnemonic devices!!

5. Don't shout out when you remember something you had forgotten in an earlier conversation.
"Forrest Gump! That was the name of the movie he was in.... Forrest Gump!"
Nobody around you will have even the vaguest idea what you are yelling about, and this might be the final thing that convinces them that you should be sent to the nursing home.
You DEFINITELY don't want to go there! The diapers there are cheap and all scratchy and stuff? They don't absorb ANYTHING – nothing like the nice, soft ones you can get in the supermarket.
Plus the food sucks!

6 ~ 10. There are many other useful tips for seniors that I could leave you with today, but this is running long and it's already time for my nap.

Thank Intelligent Design for Republicans

Donald Trump is fading from the Republican Presidential race, proving once again that like with Kim Jong Il bad hair will take you only so far. Fortunately for us, however, the Republicans have more than one joker up their sleeves.
Here comes Michele Bachmann!
Candidate Michele Bachmann has come out in support of teaching "intelligent design" in the nation's schools, saying, "What I support is putting all science on the table and then letting students decide. I don't think it's a good idea for government to come down on one side of (a) scientific issue or another, when there is reasonable doubt on both sides."
I don't even know where to start with this.
The "reasonable doubt on both sides" part?
How about "putting all the science on the table"?
Yes, let's do that! Our children need exposure to all the science, so they can make up their minds as to which is more persuasive.
Take voodoo for example.
There is no question that teaching of voodoo science has been completely ignored in our youngsters' education! How will they be able to decide which is more convincing if they don't get "all the science on the table"? And why is the government limiting discussion of this important scientific knowledge?
But when talking science, what could be more scientific than Scientology, especially when major celebrities and movie stars believe it?
And what exactly do they believe?
Scientology claims that there was an alien ruler called Xenu and that 75 million years ago (to us non-scientists, the late Cretaceous Period) Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 jetliners, piled the people around volcanoes and set off hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes. Their spirits, called "thetans", survived the blasts and inhabit the living even today! (CAUTION: Despite scientific similarities, this is not tied to the voodoo belief in zombies.)
Yes, YOU have a thetan inside you, even as you read this!
The Scientologists claim that their science can help you "resolve" the issues you have with your inner thetan through diuretics. No... sorry... that is for something else... It's dianetics. Like diuretics, however, dianetics will help you "clear" yourself and bring you to a higher state of equilibrium.
Can you believe that this important science is not being taught in our classrooms today? Michele Bachmann wants intelligent design to be presented to our children side-by-side with Scientific Revolution science, but the theory of intelligent design is so clearly moronic, we should not pollute our youngsters' minds with it. Intelligent designers believe that some intelligent force "guided evolution" and created the complexity of life today.
Intelligent? Ha!
Never mind obvious engineering failures, such as humans breathing and eating through the same orifice, causing thousands of choking deaths each year; I have two irrefutable arguments against this theory.
Hey, guys! Show us your chests! See those nipples? One, two!
I rest my case.
No, we need Scientology taught side-by-side with traditional science. If John Travolta and Tom Cruise believe it, can it possibly be wrong?!

- - - - - - - - -
Pterosaurish note: I almost couldn't think of anything to write this week and was planning to fall back on ever-funny North Korea, but once again the Republican Party came to my rescue! I want to thank the Intelligent Designer for coming up with Republicans.

A Weiner by Any Other Name

The Weiner scandal in the US has captivated the nation as Americans shake their heads and wonder how anyone could be so stupid. If you have not been keeping up with the news, a US Congressman by the improbable name of Weiner (pronounced "weener") has been caught sending explicit photos of his... well... wiener to women around the country. This despite the fact that he is recently married. One can only sit in stunned amazement at this gold medal level of stupidity on display. In the old days, scandals would come and go with the fading of the print media's interest, but photos on the internet are forever. Congressman Weiner was considered an up-and-coming political star and one of the more intelligent members of the House. His star has clearly faded, but if he is one of the more intelligent members, I feel squeamish about what else might be going on in the House of Representatives.
Which brings me to my point (yes, there is a point in here somewhere). The poetic wonderfulness of someone named Weiner getting caught in a wiener scandal is just beyond words, so I was wondering what other names might be on the list that would create a similar uproar.
Top on the list of silver medal candidates, of course, is Rep. John Boehner of Ohio. I can hardly WAIT for the headlines when he is caught with "his pants down" in some sex scandal. Rep. Norman Dicks (Washington) would get the bronze medal, but the plural aspect to his name could be troubling for news writers. Why so many? Of course it could be used as a verb.
If you needed a drinking scandal, there are several out there to excite the headlines with their monikers. Rep. Bachus from Alabama would be fun to bandy about in a heavy partying incident, or how about Rep. Boozman from Arkansas? Better not get caught drinking and driving. Rep. Corker (Tennessee) and Gov. Brewer (Arizona) would also be obvious for some headline fun as would Gov. Mead of Wyoming.
It's not a scandal, but who wouldn't want Rep. Fudge (Ohio) in office? I would vote for her on name alone! If she threw a fit while in office though, the headlines would have fun with "Fudge Goes Nutty". On the food theme, Rep. Goodlatte (Virginia) better not get too wired on coffee and do something unseemly.
Rep. Rush of Illinois should mind his Ps & Qs around drugs. Others such as Rep. Hurt of Virginia should keep away from accidents, and Rep. Slaughter (New York) had better not get caught up in a murder investigation.
Rep. Heck (Nevada) might want to avoid "doing a Weiner" and sending messages to his tweethearts around the country or the news media will have fun with "What the Heck Was He Thinking?".
And finally, no scandals pop to mind with these names, but did you know there is a Rep. Labrador along with a Gov. Otter both from Idaho? I knew Idaho was rural, but electing people with animal names? Idaho is not alone, however, as Delaware has a Rep. Coons also.
Finally, hearkening back to an earlier age of innocence, I am reminded that when Lyndon Johnson and Hubert Humpfrey were running for President and VP, we on the Eugene McCarthy and Bobby Kennedy wing of the Democratic party used to kid, "Vote for Johnson and get a Humpfrey". Such was the nature of our humor then. Ah... weren't those the days? Weren't they? Does anyone else not remember them, too?

The New Killer

As we age, we become increasingly aware of our human frailties and worry more about our health. Conversations with friends change from talking about politics and whether Sarah Palin is an exceptional moron or just an ordinary one to in-depth discussions of the ailing parts of our bodies.

Scenario:
A: Hi! How's it going?
B: Good! How 'bout you?
A: Yeah, not bad, but I have this skin problem these days. Can you see it?
B: Umm...
A: Look! These little patches of itchy skin? Here... and here? And look... even on my legs and buttocks! Sometimes I scratch them so much they start bleeding and then I have to put bandaids on them!
B: Oh... yeah... Did you see a doctor about it?
A: Yeah, she gave me some medicine, but it doesn't seem to work.
B: I hear praying to Saint Bartholomew might help.
A: I am not a Catholic, but what do I have to lose?

And on and on.
Most of these health problems don't directly involve us; our friends suffer alone. But there is one problem which – like second-hand smoke – can be a real killer.
Of course, I am talking about snoring.
Yes, snoring can cause other people in the room with you to not only lose sleep but also to have elevated blood pressure and other health problems. The health risks to people living with a snorer have been compared to living next to an airport. Your health can be affected by a snoring person nearby!

Scenario:
You are at a long and boring meeting and Prof. K (names have been deleted to avoid public humiliation) starts snoring. Your blood pressure goes up and you realize that his snoring is depriving YOU of sleep! You kick him under the table and he awakes with a snort.

But what about people in your own home who are snoring at night when you are trying to get some much needed rest? You can't be kicking them several times a night; you need a more permanent solution.
In the interests of promoting a healthy lifestyle, I have gathered together 10 snoring remedies from around the world and offer them here.

1. Pray to the patron saint of respiratory problems.
2. One website recommends having you stitch a tennis ball into the back of a snorer's pajamas to prevent him from sleeping on his back. This is helpful, but surgically implanting the tennis ball might be more effective in difficult cases.
3. Putting the tennis ball into the snorer's mouth is also a practical interim solution.
4. There are exercises a snorer can do while awake, to lessen the chance of sounding like the 747 taking off in his partner's ear at night. Most of the exercises involve activities, such as pronouncing vowels loudly that might make people around him think he has gone off the deep end. Getting committed to a mental hospital will solve the problem for the bed partner, but will only make life difficult for other people in the institution.
5. Another site suggests that a swollen turbinate may be a cause of loud snoring. Disconnecting the turbinate before going to bed and putting it back into the car where it belongs could be a simple step towards achieving a good night's sleep.
6. Age has been proven to be a factor in the development of loud snoring habits; older folk tend to snore more than young people. The trick here is to not allow the snorer to get old. Bludgeon him to death with a baseball bat when he keeps you up late at night with his snoring.
7. Clear nasal passages are also cited as being important in controlling snoring. When your partner snores loudly at night, attach the vacuum cleaner to his nose to make sure those passages are completely clear.
8. Moist bedroom air might also help in controlling snoring. Placing humidifiers in the room before going to bed (and retiring to your own, dry room away from the damp humidity) could help to keep the volume down.
9. Encouraging the snorer to sing may be helpful in strengthening the muscles of the throat and surrounding areas thus reducing the risk of snoring. Of course, listening to him singing, "That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, uh huh uh huh, that's the way, uh huh uh huh..." etc. all day might be worse than the snoring. It definitely qualifies as grounds for divorce in my book.
10. Finally, medical intervention through Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP), a bedside machine which blows pressurized air into a mask that a snorer wears over his nose or face might help. Of course, this also blows him up like a balloon, so you need to be careful about sharp implements and removing the mask too quickly.
Hopefully these useful suggestions will be enough to break the snoring habit and bring peace and tranquility to your bedroom. It will be less Dreamliner and more happy dream.

The Patron Saint of.... Eewwww!

In an earlier post, I submitted that, along with former Pope John Paul II, I am well situated to be made a saint. Despite the lack of a groundswell of support for my candidacy, I have continued to look into saints and what sorts of things are expected of them in the hereafter.
One thing I have discovered is that a lot of saints become "patrons" in the afterlife. For you laypeople, this means that if you have a specific problem, say a bowel disorder, or if you are hypochondriac and want to be protected against a bowel disorder, you would pray to Saint Bonaventure of Bagnoregio. This saint would then intervene on your behalf with the Big Guy (in the sky).

Scenario:
You (on your knees in prayer): Dear Saint Bonaventure of Bagno... Bonnigori... um.. can I call you Saint Bonny Bag? Hey, listen, I have this awful pain in my bowels and a real problem with flatulence. At work today I was in this meeting? It seemed to go on forever, and the pain built up and built up and then I just HAD to let go. OMG! I don't think I have EVER expelled that much gas in one sitting! Usually the chair cushion absorbs most of it, but this time everyone else kinda looked at me funny... So anyway, if you are not busy, could you intervene on my behalf with God and get him to do something about this? Thank you so much.
Amen.

And that is not all! There is a saint for almost everything you can think of and some you can't. There are no fewer than three patron saints to intervene on your behalf when you come down with erysipelas. Drink a little too much at the party last night? You will be wanting to pray to Saint Bibiana, the patron saint of hangovers. There are also two patron saints to help out with your twitching problems: Bartholomew the Apostle and Cornelius. (WARNING: DO NOT READ SAINT BARTHOLOMEW'S PROFILE IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH!)
You think the patrons are there just for your illnesses? No! There are patrons galore — for every conceivable aspect of our mortal existence. Are your children backward? No problem! You pray to Saint Hilary of Poitiers. You feel uncomfortable because your parents were not married? Take it up with one of three saints who can... who can...hmmm... not sure WHAT they can do, actually.
Not only humans, but even our cetacean fellow earthlings have a patron saint in Brendan the Navigator. If you know any whales, please pass this information along to them.

Scenario:
Whale: Dear Saint Brendan... I never should have gone to that all-you-can-eat restaurant last night... I know... I have sinned AGAIN! But what can I do? Bubba and Ralph insisted I go to the mall with them... And could you put in a word for me with Saint Bibiana? I drank way too much Budweiser too. Thanks.
Amen.

Then recently in the news, the head (yes, the literal head!) of the patron saint of genital diseases is coming up for sale! Here is your chance to own a little bit of saint history! Plus, imagine the security you will feel with Saint Vitalis of Assisi's head on your mantelpiece. Your lovers will be impressed too, I am sure!
So I am wondering. What could I be the patron saint of in the afterlife. I would definitely want to be the patron saint of something cool like hang glider pilots or astronauts, but it seems that we don't really get to choose. What a drag to be the patron saint of something gross like goiters. All I can do is pray. Who is the patron saint of saint wannabes?

You are what you eat

In this modern world, we are confronted at every turn with questions of an existential nature. Some have challenged humanity from time immemorial: "Is there a god?" or "What am I here for?", while others are new to our age: "Does the refrigerator light really go off when I close the door?"
One question that troubles us all, of course, is what about the stuff we eat? We need food to stay alive, but what food is best? Organic? Should we go vegan? Do vegetarians have the answer?
One way to know how to assess what we eat is to actually read the labels on the boxes and other packaging. True, when you buy a piece of fish, there is no convenient label on there, telling you the contents: fish meat, fish by products, salt, Strontium 90, etc. etc., but many of the things we buy do come in packages with convenient labels.
Check out the label on these granola bars I just bought.
The front of the box proudly proclaims, "Crunchy Granola Bars" and "Oats & Honey" with "100% Natural" in smaller letters below.
Sounds good, no? What could be better for me than the wholesome goodness of 100% natural oats and honey? My mind drifts to bees, buzzing around a country hive with golden fields of oats in the distance, waiting to be harvested.
But wait, there is another panel on the side of the package which lists the ingredients. The granola bars are made of (in order of quantity): Whole grain rolled oats (that's good!), Sugar (Wait... what about the honey and the bees?!), Canola oil, Crisp rice with Soy protein [Rice flour, Soy protein concentrate, Sugar, Salt], Molasses, Honey, Salt, Soy lecithin, Natural flavor, Baking soda, Mixed tocopherols [Preservative], Maple syrup, Brown Sugar, Peanut flour.
I imagine the Tocopherols come from the Tocopherol tree — fresh picked.
Anyway, most of the ingredients are some kind of sweetener: Sugar, sugar in the Crisp rice, Molasses, Honey, Maple syrup and Brown sugar, but that is what I bought it for, right?
Directly under the ingredients panel is another label, warning: Contains: Soy, and Peanuts. This is an alert for those who might be allergic to soy or peanuts; suddenly many people are allergic to a lot of things nowadays.
There is also another warning, stating: May Contain: Wheat, Milk, Eggs, Almonds and Coconut.
May contain? Don't they know? Is someone at the Crunchy Granola Bar factory randomly throwing in wheat, milk, eggs, almonds and coconut from time to time, just to keep us on our toes?
Scene at the factory:
Worker A: Hey! Bubba! Look at all these eggs over here... what are they for?
Bubba: I donno, Elvis... why not dump 'em into the vat?
Ralph: Good idea, Bubba! (throws the eggs into the vat)
Bubba: Yo, Elvis! What are these big round things?
Ralph: Ain't them coconuts?
Bubba: I had no idea they was so big! What are we s'posta do with them?
Ralph: The manager said to just throw whatever into the vat. They will write it up on the label.
Bubba: 'K. Gotcha! (throws the coconuts into the vat)
So if we are what we eat, we may not be what we think we are.

Energy Independence

Sometimes it is necessary to write a serious article now and then, so people don't think this writer is shallow and lacking in complex thought. Today is one of those times.
Lately with the nuclear power plant problem in Japan and unnerving discoveries about US nuclear plants, as well as concerns in Germany, the world has never been more acutely aware of the precariousness of our energy supply. Oil is running out; coal is dirty; wind and solar power are a long way from replacing even a small part of our energy demands.
What are we to do?
Liposuction.
That's right, liposuction! In an earlier post (which you can read here), I calculated how much overweight the United States is. The math proved that the US is packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on its collective physique.
That's a lot of Swedes.
It's also a lot of blubber, and as all of you know, blubber has historically been converted to oil. The early days of the Industrial Revolution depended on whale oil to keep the factories running smoothly.
This blubber has also been successfully converted into a biofuel and used to run a car. Not only that, but a boat running on this fuel is attempting to break the round-the-world speed record.
The United States with its large reserves of blubber should take the lead in exploiting this new and hither-to-fore untapped resource and open liposuction clinics across the country. As the world's standard of living increases, the same resources will develop in other countries as well, and they too can take advantage of this new supply of fuel.
The best news of all is that the liposuction fuel reserves will not be depleted! Blubber that has been removed by liposuction does not STAY removed but returns to another part of the body where it can be mined again!
With this vast, new, wholly untapped, natural and green resource, we can finally achieve energy independence, breaking oil's stranglehold on our economy and our difficult political ties to certain oil producing nations.